100 Miles an Hour
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While
driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, “If
I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?”
She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer
hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her
clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives
off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear
without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend
are trapped in the car. “Go get help.”, he pleads.
She replies, “I can’t, I’m naked.”
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says,
“Cover your snatch with that and go get help.”She takes
the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station
down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells
to the attendant, “HELP! HELP! My boyfriend’s stuck!”
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch
and replies, “I’m sorry Miss. He’s too far in.”
Growing Pains
A teacher is reviewing her class’ homework assignment.
She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part
of the human body enlarges to seven times its original
size when stimulated. Susie stands up, shuffles her
feet and says, “Well, I think I know, but I’m too embarrassed
to tell you.” The teacher says, “Sit down, Susie. Johnny,
tell the class what part of the human body enlarges
to seven times its size when stimulated.” Johnny says,
“That’s easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven
times its original size when stimulated by light.”
The teacher says, “That’s right, Johnny.” Then she
turns to Susie and says, “Susie, first of all, you didn’t
do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, when you get married, you’re in for a big
disappointment.”
DRAGONSLAYER
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur’s court. He
had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen’s voluptuous
breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who
was the King’s chief physician. Horatio said “I can arrange it, but I
will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes.” Michael the Dragon Master
readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a
little of it into the Queen’s brassiere while she was taking a bath.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew in intensity.
Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that
only a special saliva would cure this type of itch, and that tests had
shown such a saliva was only to be in the mouth of Michael the Dragon
Master.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the
imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the
itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the
next four hours worked passionately on the Queen’s magnificent breasts.
Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding
payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay
Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never
report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
lotion onto King Arthur’s loincloth. And Michael the Dragon Master was
again summoned by the King.
Moral of the story: Pay your bills
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