LOS ANGELES TIMES, December 9:

A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller a note demanding money. The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.

When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, “That’s enough” and walked out the door. It’s hard to find a bank robber who knows when he’s had enough.

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in
fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila
said, “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!” Sister Catherine’s
eyes grow wide and she barked, “What did you say?!” “A prostitute!”
Sheila exclaimed. Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and
said “Whew! Thank God! I thought you said ‘A Protestant’!”

A guy says to a girl at the bar, “I’m a car salesman, and if I
don’t sell some cars, I’m gonna lose my ass.”
The girl says, “I’m a hooker, and if I don’t sell some ass, I’m
gonna lose my car.”

When the ark’s door was closed Noah called a meeting
with all the animals. “Listen up!” Noah said with a
demanding voice. “There will be NO sex on this trip.
Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis. All of
you males, take off your penis and hand it in to my
sons. I will be sitting over there and write you a
receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis
back.” After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his
wife’s cage and was very excited. “Quick!” he said.
“Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if
there is any land out there!” Mrs. Rabbit got onto his
shoulders and looked out the window. “Sorry, no land yet.”
“Damn!” and out went Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day
until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. “What is the
matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and
nights. Only after the water had drained will we be able
to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?”
“Look!” said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face
as he held out a piece of paper. “I GOT THE HORSE’S RECEIPT!!”

Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country
with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that
day so he put him in the barn and said “you stay here until you
learn how to behave yourself”.

Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About
an hour later a traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the
Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn’t have room in
the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman
there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn.
The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to
the barn.

Later another traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer
told him about the barn - no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left
for barn.

One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer.
He told her about the barn and mentioned the two traveling salesmen
(he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear).
The woman told the farmer that she could take care of herself and left
for the barn.

Two hours later, heavy knocking at the door awakened the Farmer. When
opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn
and rumpled.

The Farmer said “Good heavens, what happened to you?”

The woman replied “I give up on human nature… the first guy gave me
forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap
jerk in the fur coat never even said thanks!”

The bartender got tired of hearing these five drunks arguing
about who had the biggest dick.

So he yelled out: “I am tired of this shit. Pull them out and
put them up on the bar and I will tell you who has the biggest.”

They were drunk enough that all five of them responded and placed
their dick up on the bar.

At this time a homosexual walks in, and the bartender ask: “May
I help you?”

To which he responds: “Well, I came in for a glass of wine and a
sandwich but I think I will have the smorgasbord.”

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can
get two tattoos.

The artist says, “Sure.”

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey,
and beneath it she would like it to say “Happy Thanksgiving.” On
her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa
Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, “Merry Christmas.”

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and
after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told
him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to
eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their
prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his
lungs. “I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE… I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…” His older brother leaned over and
nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting
your prayers? God isn’t deaf.” To which the little brother
replied, “No, but Gramma is!”

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s
sex drive by 90%…wedding cake!