… your stall warning plays “Dixie.”

… your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

… you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.

… you’ve ever used moonshine as avgas.

… you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

… you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.

… your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

… you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

… just before impact, you are heard saying, “Hey y’all, watch this!”

… you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

… you’ve ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

… you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

… you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.

… you wouldn’t be caught dead flyin’ a Grumman “Yankee.”

… you refer to flying in formation as “We got ourselves a convoy!”

… there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

… when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.

… you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!

… you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.

… you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase “That’s a big 10-4!”

… you typically answer female controllers with titles like “sugar” or “little darlin’.”

… she responds with the words “Honey” or “Big guy” then she may be a redneck.

… you have ever used a relief tube as a spitoon.

… you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.

… you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.

… the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains “Case of Bud.”

… your go/no-go checklist includes the words “Skoal” or “Redman.”

A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to California.” The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to California.”

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, “What did you say to her?” “I just told her that this section of the plane doesn’t go to California.”

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off!”