Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. “I thought I was in love three times,” one friend says.

“How so?” his friend asks.

“Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me.”

“Was that not love?” his friend asks.

“No,” he replies. “That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn’t understand me.”

“Was that not love?”

“No,” he replies. “That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach.”

“Was that not love?” his friend asks.

“No,” he replies. “That was motion sickness.”

A 75 year old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

“Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the DAMN jar open!”

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

The man replied, “Just doing what you said doctor, “Get a hot mama and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that! I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!”