One day this guy went to the doctor and said, “Doc, I really feel bad, can you do some tests?”

The doctor did some tests and said, “I’ll call you when they’re done and we can talk over the phone, ok?”

The guy said, “OK,” and went home and did his daily routine.

One morning he woke up and the phone rang. He picked it up and it was the doctor. The doctor said, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”

The guy said, “Well, what is the good news?”

The doctor said, “You have 24 hours to live.”

The guy said, “Well, what’s the bad news?”

The doctor said, “I forgot to call you yesterday.”

There once was a man with a permanent erection. Try as he might, he couldn’t get it to go down. Finally he went to his doctor, who happened to be a female.

“I’d like to speak to a male doctor,” he said.

The woman replied, “I’m a professional. I run this clinic with my sister, who is also a professional. Anything you can tell a man, you can tell us.”

“Ok,” he said. “I have a permanent erection. What can you give me for it?”

“Hmmm,” she replied. “I’ll go into my office and confer with my sister.”

After a minute, she returned and said, “We’ll give you $25,000 and half the business profits.”

An elderly lady complains to the M.D. that she passes gas many times a day. “It’s really more of a nuisance than a problem,” she explains, “They’re silent and they don’t smell.” The M.D. gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a week.

She returns and says, “I don’t know what it was you gave me, doc, but I still pass gas all the time, it is still silent, but it smells terribly!”

The M.D. replies, “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll see what we can do for your hearing.”