One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender. “Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”

Recently a tour bus full of senior citizens was traveling along an interstate. Suddenly, an elderly woman in the back screamed and jumped out of her seat. The driver pulled over and headed toward the back of the bus. When the driver got to the woman, he asked what was wrong.

The woman replied, “There’s a man trying to molest me!”

The driver asked the other passengers, but no one had seen anything. The driver turned to the woman and said, “You must have scared off the man when you screamed.”

The woman agreed and returned to her seat. The bus driver resumed driving, but a few miles down the road the same woman, again, screamed and jumped out of her seat. Once again, the driver pulled over and headed to the back of the bus. “What’s wrong now?” asked the driver.

The woman replied, “That man trying to molest me, he’s under my seat!”

The driver looked under the seat, and sure enough there was an old bald guy. The driver said to the man, “Sir, this woman claims that you were trying to molest her.”

The man replies, “No, no, no! I’m just looking for my toupee — I thought I had it twice but it got away both times!”

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a Judo tournament. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, “You don’t have a chance, I have Kano, Mifune, Kotani, Kimura and all the greatest players up here”.

“Yes”, snickered the Devil, “but I have all the referees.”