Some of your old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples:

Herman’s Hermits “Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”

The Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want”

Credence Clearwater Revival “Bad Prune Rising”

Marvin Gaye “I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts”

The Who “Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication”

The Troggs “Bald Thing”

Carly Simon “You’re So Varicose Vein”

The Bee Gees “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”

Roberta Flack “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”

Johnny Nash “I Can’t See Clearly Now”

The Temptations “Papa Got a Kidney Stone”

ABBA “Denture Queen”

Leo Sayer “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”

Commodores “Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom”

Procol Harem “A Whiter Shade of Hair”

The Beatles “I Get By with a Little Help From Depends”

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

“Is Hell exothermic [gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.”

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year “That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.”

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.”

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!” he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?” He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?”

And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”