A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternooon. Unfortunately the builder wasn’t very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout ‘Shit, missed’.

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. “Don’t swear like that” he told his friend, “or God will punish you”. The builder apologised and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted “Shit, missed.” and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.

The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said “I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!”

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out “Shit, missed”. Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.

Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, “Shit, missed!”

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The programmer said, “Look, I’m a programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend — but a talking frog, now that’s cool!”

One day there were three astronauts a blonde, brunnete, and a redhead eating together.

The brunette said, “Hey you guys we were the first people in outer space we should be proud of that,” and they said, “Yeah, yeah we are.

Then they start to eat again when the redhead says “Hey you guys we were the first ones on the moon we should be proud of that too.” They said, “Yeah, yeah we are.”

The blonde starts thinking and about one hour later she says, “You guys, you know how we were the first one in outer space and the first ones on the moon?” They said, “Yeah, so?”

“So,” the blonde said, “We should be the first ones on the sun too.”

The redhead says, “You crazy blonde, if we got within a 100 mile radius of the sun we would burn up and die.”

The blonde replies, “You are the crazy, we wouldn’t go during the day. We would go at night.”