Artery The study of paintings.
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria.
Barium What doctors do when patients die.
Benign What you be after you be eight.
Catscan Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic A sheep dog.
Coma A punctuation mark.
D&C Where Washington is.
Dilate To live long.
Enema Not a friend.
Fester Quicker than someone else.
Fibula A small lie.
Genital Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail What you hang your coat on.
Impotent Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates Cheaper than day rates.
Node I knew it.
Outpatient A person who has fainted.
Ovaries You get to try again. (from wj1001250)
Pap Smear A fatherhood test.
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative A letter carrier.
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery.
Rectum Pretty near killed him.
Secretion Hiding something.
Seizure Roman emperor.
Tablet A small table.
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor More than one.
Urine Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose Near by/close by.

Redneck computer terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE - Them’s the fight’n rules down at the local tavern

BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker

CRASH - When you go to Junior’s party uninvited

DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer

FAX - What you lie about to the IRS

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC - Big Bubba’s favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK - Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - Where the pope lives

SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak’s Employee of the year

SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

Version 1 Version 2
‘Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We’d soon see the bug that
Caused such a sensation.
The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol’ Bugsy
Wouldn’t stop there.

While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.

And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.

When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.

But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.

Then word of the shortage,
Caused such a demand
That the money was gone,
And the streets were all jammed.

When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see on my screen
But Millennium Bugsy,
This must be a dream!

The hack of all hackers,
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K bug!

His image downloaded,
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
“Let all systems fall!”

“Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compac,
And Pentium too!

All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!”

All the controls
That make the planes fly
All microwaves,
And all traffic lights.

All through the system,
To me, and to you.
The predictions they made
Would soon all come true.

And then came a twinkling,
As midnight drew near,
All over the globe
In each hemisphere.

As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.

He was covered with fur.
With six legs outspread,
Two beady eyes,
And a chip on his head.

With a sack full of virus,
Flung on his back.
He looked like a hacker,
Just waiting to hack.

His eyes - how they twinkled!
His dimples - how merry!
As midnight approached, though
Things soon became scary.

His droll little mouth was
Drawn up in a sneer,
While he sat like a kid
Waiting out the new year.

Two little antenna
Stuck out of his head,
(Improved his reception
from what I’ve heard said.)

He had a broad face,
and a round little belly,
But with six dirty socks,
His feet were quite smelly.

He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
A new feeling of dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.

With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic
Soon went on the blink.

He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?

Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty cheer,
“This has been fun,
And I’ll see you next year!”
‘Twas the night before 2000
and all through the tower,
applications were failing,
more by the hour.
The programs were running
on the mainframe with care,
in hope that the millennium
bug was not there.

The programmers were seated
in front of their PC’s,
while visions of blank paychecks
danced in their heads.

With Amy in her office
and I at my desk,
we had just settled down
for a night with no rest.

When up on my screen
there arose such a ding,
I sprang from my chair screaming …
“I didn’t touch a thing!”

Away from my computer,
I ran real quick,
tore open the drawer
and picked up a stick.

I glared at the PC,
evil and mean,
then realized …
it’s just a machine.

What to my wondering eyes
should I see,
but a miniature window,
and a message for me.

With tired eyes,
I gave a glance,
only hours left …
we don’t have a chance!

More rapid than eagles
the languages fell,
and we whistled, and shouted,
and called with a yell;

“Now COBOL! now, NATURAL,
Batch and On-Line!
Oh, FORTRAN! Oh SAS!
Now CHORE went flat-line!

From the front of my face,
to the face of the wall,
now bash away! bash away!
bash away all!

As the team gathered together
for one last try,
the word from management came …
“Fix it or die!”

So they sat in their chairs,
in the up-right position,
with a desk full of work,
and a nasty disposition!

And then, in a dinging,
I heard the speaker mention,
“Attention, the building,
Attention.”

As he tried to speak
the next word,
the crashing of the mainframe
is all we heard.

The programs were a mess,
from start to end.
My screen was tarnished
with an ugly abend.

The team assembled,
into one huge pack,
we looked like hungry wolves,
ready to attack.

Our eyes - how they twinkled!
Our fingers typed with a clank.
Fix Payroll, we said,
because our paychecks are blank!

The sweat on my face
was falling like rain,
while the coding of COBOL
drove me insane!

The stump of a pencil,
I held tight in my hand,
I chewed nervously, hoping
I would not get canned!

I coded some Windows
and a Bridge too,
that took a program from
version one to two.

I was tired, weak, and
in a delusion state,
and I laughed when I saw it,
in spite of fate.

A wink of his eye
and a twist of his head,
soon let me know
that bug was not dead!

It spoke not a word,
but went straight to work,
crashing the remaining programs,
then turned with a jerk.

I placed the cursor
next to the bug,
pressed the delete key
to remove the little thug.

But I heard it exclaim,
as I erased the line …
“Happy Millennium for now,
’cause I’ll return in 9999!”