The batsman was out on first ball. On the long walk back to the pavilion he had to pass the incoming batsman, a supercilious rival. ‘Hard luck, old man,’ smirked the newcomer. ‘Yes. It’s a shame I had to be right in the middle of a hat trick.

An American who knew nothing of the game had been taken to a few cricket matches by a friend and was now studying the end-of-season averages. Every now and then he came across an asterisk and the words: ‘Signifies not out.’ Finally, he turned to his friend and said: ‘Why don’t you get this guy Signifies to play for your side? He’s never out!’

Back in the pavilion, the batsman was talking to a team mate. ‘I can’t understand it,’ he said ‘The ball hit my head and the wicket-keeper caught it, but the umpire gave me out. His friend looked sympathetic. ‘Sometimes they go by sound.’

The cricket fan had dragged his wife and child along to the ground to watch the local side. He watched with interest, but they were plainly bored and shifted uncomfortably in their seats. The child brightened and turned to the mother. ‘They just shouted ‘Over’, she said. ‘I know.’ replied her mother, wearily, ‘but don’t take any notice. It goes on and on and on.’

‘I’m proud to say that in thirty years of playing cricket, I’ve never scored less than twenty five runs and never taken less than three wickets,’ said George. ‘I wish I could say that,’ said Ted. Harry spoke up. ‘Well, why don’t you? George just did!’

Announcement:

It is the responsibility of the bride’s family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride’s parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).

Invitations:

Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like “You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000.” will suffice nicely. If you don’t want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell “If you aint doing nothin’ on the 14th of March, why don’t you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o’clock. Me and Jennifer’s having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our weddin’.”

Proper attire:

For the bride, the key words are “be conservative.” No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show the world how big “they” are.

For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, concider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearence. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

The ceremony:

No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, “If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony…” tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much.

Reception:

Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that’s bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car.

When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!

Common wedding questions and answers

Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.

Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A: At least one within a week of the wedding.

Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except “Tied to the Whipping Post”.

A redneck taped toilet paper to his television.
He said, “Hey, lookie here, now we have free paper view!”