These two rednecks go hunting one afternoon. While they are out, one of them all of a sudden falls over and quits breathing. The other redneck pulls out his cellphone and calls 911. He says, “O my gosh, my friend Bubba just fell down on the ground and quit breathin. I think he might be dead.” Well, the 911 employee says “Make sure he’s dead.” The redneck says “Okay, give me a second.” All of a sudden, they hear a loud bang. The redneck picks the phone back up and says “Yup, he’s dead alrite.”

Dear __________:

We regret to inform you that you have been named as a possible cyber-sexual partner of someone who has tested positive for the ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted Through Internet Chat Sex) virus.

It would benefit you to be tested and/or treated for this disease. ATTICS is highly contagious and can be spread by a simple “screw you” or “muuuuaaaahhhhh”.

It appears to be predominant in WebTV and AOL users but has been detected in the *real* internet users’ community.

Amusing as this may sound this is no laughing matter! ATTICS is a mainly psychological disorder but can fester into physical ailments if not treated.

You will be provided with a list of symptoms, if you have any of these contact this office and forward this notice to all your cyber-sexual contacts!

The following is a list of symptoms, onset of these symptoms may be immediate or may remain undetected for years.

DO NOT IGNORE THESE WARNING SIGNS!

1. KEYBOARD COURAGE: The threatening of another chatter for no logical reason.

2. WOOHOO: The uncontrollable urge to say wooooohoooooo to anything that may be deemed sexual in nature (may be a result of overactive woohoormones).

3. HOLIDAY INN-hibition: The need to take someone to a private room.

4. P.T.P.U.D. (POST TRAUMATIC POP UP DISORDER): Heavy reliance on popups.

5. HORIZONTAL RETINAL SCAN: Inability to read anything that doesn’t scroll up.

6. LOSS OF FINGERNAILS.

7. CYBER TURRETS SYNDROME: The random shouting of obscenities every time the phone rings.

8. RED EYE: Elimination of any whites from the eye.

9. VIRTUAL SPEED: The ability to make 2 lunches, fold a load of laundry, go pee, and put in a video, before your last comment leaves the screen.

10. SLEEP APATHY: Going without sleep to chat.

11. CYBER ANOREXIA: Going without food to chat.

12.SYMBOLIC DYSLEXIA: The use of initials instead of words i.e.: LMAO=LAUGHING MY ASS OFF.

13. NIC IDENTITY CRISIS: The adoption of a nic as a second name.

If you encounter any of these symptoms feel free to contact me.

Thanks for your time,

Dr. Pete O. Fender
Internet Board of Disease Control

An elderly man who is 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn’t have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell, his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.

“Well today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave.”

Well a few days later the man passed on, The doctor said, “I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me lots of medical bills. But I threw the other $35,000 in.” The Priest said, “I have to admit also I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in.”