Mike Tyson finally apologized to Holyfield for biting off his ear.
He said, “Believe it or not, I have learned many things about how to behave in society while I was in jail.
So I would like to apologize to Mr. Holyfield for biting his ear in such a beastly way. Next time I promise to use a knife and fork.”
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. “Name’s Leon… your neighbor from four miles away… Having a party Saturday… thought you’d like to come.”
“Great,” says Sam. “After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.” As Leon is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.” “Not a problem…after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of’em.”
Again, as he starts to leave Leon stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.” Sam says, ” Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
Once again Leon turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too” “Now that’s not a problem,” says Sam, “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there.. by the way, what should I wear?”
Leon stops in the door again and says, ” Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”
A man asked that the blonde painter, paint him in the nude.
“Oh no!” replied the talented artist. “I’m sorry, but I don’t do that sort of thing.”
“I’ll pay you double your normal fee,” the man offered.
“No thanks!” she replied.
“Ok, I’ll give you five times what you normally charge,” the man said.
The blonde artist thought about it for a moment and replied, “Well, all right, but you’ll have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to put my brushes!”
As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
“America,” the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. “She’s not from the States.”
“Yes I am.” said the wife. He looked at her and asked. “Is he your husband?” “Yes.” she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered….. “I’ll give you 100 camels for her.” The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, “she’s not for sale.”
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker’s technical support line for assistance…
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There’s smoke coming from the power supply on my computer…
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply…
Customer: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files…
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it…
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command…
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician’s efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded…
Technician: I’m sorry. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there’s an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem…
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line ‘LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE’ at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes…
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer…
Customer: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking…
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22…
Technician: Well, that’s your problem. That version of DOS doesn’t include NOSMOKE. You’ll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out…
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…
Customer: I need a new power supply…
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply…
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE…
A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.
His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, “What in the world are you doing?”
He replied, “I’m waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another.”