Mike Tyson finally apologized to Holyfield for biting off his ear.

He said, “Believe it or not, I have learned many things about how to behave in society while I was in jail.

So I would like to apologize to Mr. Holyfield for biting his ear in such a beastly way. Next time I promise to use a knife and fork.”

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. “Name’s Leon… your neighbor from four miles away… Having a party Saturday… thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” says Sam. “After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.” As Leon is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.” “Not a problem…after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of’em.”

Again, as he starts to leave Leon stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.” Sam says, ” Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Leon turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too” “Now that’s not a problem,” says Sam, “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there.. by the way, what should I wear?”

Leon stops in the door again and says, ” Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”

A man asked that the blonde painter, paint him in the nude.
“Oh no!” replied the talented artist. “I’m sorry, but I don’t do that sort of thing.”

“I’ll pay you double your normal fee,” the man offered.

“No thanks!” she replied.

“Ok, I’ll give you five times what you normally charge,” the man said.

The blonde artist thought about it for a moment and replied, “Well, all right, but you’ll have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to put my brushes!”

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

“America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. “She’s not from the States.”

“Yes I am.” said the wife. He looked at her and asked. “Is he your husband?” “Yes.” she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered….. “I’ll give you 100 camels for her.” The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, “she’s not for sale.”

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker’s technical support line for assistance…

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: There’s smoke coming from the power supply on my computer…

Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply…

Customer: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files…

Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it…

Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command…

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician’s efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded…

Technician: I’m sorry. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there’s an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem…

Customer: I knew it!

Technician: Just add the line ‘LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE’ at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes…

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer…

Customer: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking…

Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Customer: MS-DOS 6.22…

Technician: Well, that’s your problem. That version of DOS doesn’t include NOSMOKE. You’ll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out…

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…

Customer: I need a new power supply…

Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply…

Technician: What did he tell you?

Customer: He said my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE…

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, “What in the world are you doing?”

He replied, “I’m waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another.”

We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents
happened within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address as the last Alabama family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and hadn’t seen ‘em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said would be a little heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home. Said if we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes. About your father — he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He’s cutting grass at the local cemetery.

About your sister — she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a boy or girl, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for four days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving, the other two boys was in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write more often.

Love, Mom

P. S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”

The man said, “No dear.”

The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”

So the man said, “Okay, I would”

Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”

And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”

Then the woman asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

And the man replied, “No, she’s left handed.”

At a paternity trial, the blonde’s lawyer asked, “On the night of August 12th last, at approximately midnight, in the locale known generally as Lover’s Lane, did the defendant have sexual relations with you?”
“Yes,” whispered the girl, her head bowed.

“And on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, did the defendant have a climax?” the lawyer continued.

“Oh no,” she replied, “I’m pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Jaguars.”

- During foreplay, he’s always double-clicking your G-spot.

- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.

- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, “Scroll down.”

- Tells everyone he’s a pioneer in “palm computing.”

- He’s suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, “Boy, I’d like to click on her.”

- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

- During sex, he shouts, “Refresh! Refresh!”

- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you… he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.