- “Good day holy father. Would it be a sin for me to play the game on Sundays?”
- “My son… I’ve been watching your games, and it would be a sin for you to play on any day”

Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. “Hey,” says the lone hunter, “I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.” After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, “Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!” “Yep,” the other added, “but we’re gittin’ further away from the truck….”

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

Customer: “I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer.” (Training stresses that we are “not the Software Police,” so I let the little act of piracy slide.)

Tech Support: “Umm-hmm. What happened?”

Customer: “As I put each disk in it turns out they weren’t initialized.”

Tech Support: “Do you remember the message exactly, ma’am?”

Customer: (proudly) “I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it’?”

Tech Support: “Er, what happened next?”

Customer: “After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can’t read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?”

Artery — Study of paintings
Bacteria — Back door of cafeteria
Barium — What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel — Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section — District in Rome
Cat scan — Searching for kitty
Cauterize — Made eye contact with her
Colic — Sheep dog
Coma — A punctuation mark
Congenital — Friendly
D&C — Where Washington is
Diarrhea — Journal of daily events
Dilate — To live long
Enema — Not a friend
Fester — Quicker
Fibula — A small lie
G.I. Series — Soldiers’ ball game
Grippe — Suitcase
Hangnail — Coathook
Impotent — Distinguished, well known
Intense pain — Torture in a teepee
Labor pain — Got hurt at work
Medical staff — Doctor’s cane
Morbid — Higher offer
Nitrate — Cheaper than day rate
Node — Was aware of
Outpatient — Person who had fainted
Pelvis — Cousin of Elvis
Post operative — Letter carrier
Protein — Favoring young people
Rectum — It almost killed him
Recovery room — Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic — Amorous
Scar — Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion — Hiding anything
Seizure — Roman emperor
Serology — Study of knighthood
Tablet — Small table
Terminal illness — Sickness at airport
Tibia — Country in North Africa
Tumor — An extra pair
Urine — Opposite of you’re out
Varicose — Located nearby
Vein - Conceited

10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick back swing.

6. Stay our of the water.

5. Try not to hit anyone.

4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

3. Don’t stand directly in front of others.

2. Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.

1. Don’t take extra strokes.

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Submitted by: Eleven

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause.’

T - Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?
C - Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.
T - What sort of trouble?
C - Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
T - Went away?
C - They disappeared.
T - Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
C - Nothing.
T - Nothing?
C - Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.
T - Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
C - How do I tell?
T - Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
C - What’s a sea-prompt?
T - Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?
C - There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it wont accept anything I type.
T - Does your monitor have a power indicator?
C - What’s a monitor
T - It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on?
C - I don’t know.
T - Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. C - Can you see that?
C - Yes, I think so.
T - Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall.
C - Yes, it is.
T - When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
C - No.
T - Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
C - Okay, here it is.
T - Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer.
C - I cant reach.
T - Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
C - No.
T - Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
C - Oh, its not because I don’t have the right angle - its because its dark.
T - Dark?
C - Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
T - Well, turn on the office light then.
C - I cant.
T - No Why not?
C - Because there’s a power failure.
T - A power… A power failure Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
C - Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
T - Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
C - Really Is it that bad?
T - Yes, I’m afraid it is.
C - Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
T - Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.

What is the difference between blondes and government bonds?

Bonds mature, blondes don’t.