In the beginning there was the computer

*File Description:*
THE CREATION:
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said. . . .
%Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
%God
#Enter password.
%Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create light
#Done
%Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create firmament
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%Create dry_land
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%Run sun_moon_stars
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Create fish
#Done
%Create fowl
#Done
%Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
fowl after its kind.

And God saw there were 0 errors.

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, “That was touching. I didn’t know you had it in you.”

The first guy responds, “Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years.”

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. ”Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ”Nope.” As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, ”I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!” The old man muttered, ”Ain’t my dog.”

Gary Condit is found dead with a smile on his face. Police investigators find his scorched body and determine he had been struck by lightning.

“Why’s he smiling?” one officer asks.

The other replies, “He thought he was having his picture taken.

What’s the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?

The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.

It’s finally come out why George W. is pushing childhood literacy.

He wants America’s children to be better off than he is

Assembler : A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
FORTRAN II : A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV : A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77 : a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
COBOL : A delivery van. It’s bulky and ugly but it does the work.
BASIC : A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You’ll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I : A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield .
C++ : A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler). ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that’s a small car.
ALGOL 68 : An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it.
Pascal : A Volkswagon Beetle. It’s small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectual types.
LISP : An electric car. It’s simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.
PROLOG/LUCID : Prototype concept cars.
FORTH : A go-cart.
LOGO : A kiddie’s replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn.
APL : A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented in Greek.
Ada : An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering , power brakes and automatic transmission are standard. No other colors or options are available. If it’s good enough for generals, it’s good enough for you. Java: All-terrain very slow vehicle.

Life Before the Computer

There were these three guys at a football game and it just so happened that they were sitting behind three nuns. They couldn’t see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, “Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, there’s only 25 Catholics there.” One of the other guys says, “Well, I wish I lived in Idaho because there is only 20 Catholics there.” Then the last guy says, “Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics there. Then one of the nuns turns around and says, “Why dont you go to hell — there are no Catholics there!”

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man’s car bumper.

Then he yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull.”

Benny didn’t move.

Then he yelled, “Come on, pull Ranger.”

Still, Benny didn’t move.

Then he yelled really loud, “Now pull, Fred, pull hard.”

Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said,

“Okay, Benny, pull.”

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, “Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn’t even try.”

Q: How do blonde braincells die ?

A: Alone.