A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.

On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”

The old man replied, “There are just two things I can’t stand, the sound of a woman screaming… and the smell of burning rubber!”

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.”

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ’smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn’t done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Blonde: “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”

Store Clerk: “Sorry about that. We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?”

Blonde: “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner’

‘You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.’ – Frank Zappa.

‘Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.’ – Ernest Hemingway.

‘Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.’ – Winston Churchill.

‘He was a wise man who invented beer.’ – Plato.

‘Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.’ – Catherine Zondonella.

‘A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.’ – W. C. Fields.

‘Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.’ – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
‘Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.’ – Churchill’s reply.
‘Sir, you’re drunk!’ – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
‘Yes madam, and you’re ugly. But in the morning I will be sober.’ – Churchill’s reply.

‘If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.’ – David Daye.

‘When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.’ – Henny Youngman.

‘Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.’ – Benjamin Franklin.

‘If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.’ – Jack Handy.

‘Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.’ – Dave Barry.

‘The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.’ – Humphrey Bogart.

‘Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.’ – David Moulton.

‘People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.’ – Capital Brewery, Middleton, Wisconsin.

‘Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.’ – Kaiser Wilhelm.

‘I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.’ – Homer Simpson.

‘Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.’ – Unknown

‘I drink to make other people interesting.’ – George Jean Nathan.

‘They who drink beer will think beer.’ – Washington Irving.

‘An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.’ – Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls.

‘You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.’ – Dean Martin.

‘All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.’ – Homer Simpson.

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband just looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber??

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, “Honey, the car won’t start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

“What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” was his response.

Another couple of weeks go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he’s walking through the door. “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”

He just looked at her and said, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” and sat down with a beer and watched a game on tv.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone!

Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn’t leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, “Honey, how come there aren’t any more leaks, and the car’s running?”

She replied nonchalantly, “Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.”

“Wow, did he charge us anything?” asked the husband.

“No, he just said that he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him.” she said.

“Cool. What kind of cake did you make?” asked the husband.

“Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?