Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.

This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.

“Sister, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “Every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”

“That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

“Oh, $2,000 a week.”

“Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”

“Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno.”

Mickey Mouse goes to see his lawyer demanding a divorce from Minnie Mouse.

The lawyer reads the divorce papers that Mickey had prepared and says that
the fact that Minnie has large teeth that stick out is not sufficient
grounds for divorce.

Mickey looks up at the lawyer and says “I didn`t say she had large teeth that stick out, I said she was fucking Goofy”

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested?

An accomplice.

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested?

A lawyer.