The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME. FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent. Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent? Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you’re all FBI agents? Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents? Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don’t think so. ** Click **

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.Catching his breath, he puffed: “Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can’t swim I’d be disgraced.”Don’t worry,” the general said. “Your secret is safe. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.”

George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny’s mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, “Lenny — we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are.”George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn’t tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.When they were low enough, George called down to the man, “Hey, can you tell us where we are?” The man on the ground yelledback, “You’re in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air.”George Called down to the man, “You must be a lawyer.” “Gee, George,” Lenny replied, “How can you tell?” George answered, “Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless”.The man called back up to the balloon, “You must be a client.” George yelled back, “Why do you say that?” “Well,” the man replied, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

|If architects had to work like programmers . . .Dear Mr. Architect,Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don’t have nearly enough insulation in them).As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.Please don’t bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has.I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor’s house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can’t happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I’ve given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can’t handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam.It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, andyoung George was pretty excited.”Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?” asked George.”George, relax. Here is how it works. We’ll wait until they’re lined upat the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a niceorderly fashion.” said Sam.”Okay, I can do that.” George answered. Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Samsaid and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few moreinstructions.”Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I’ll start at one end andyou can start at the other. We’ll meet in the middle” said Sam.”OK, OK, let’s go!” said George.”Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals willlet us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?”said Sam.”Sure” says George.Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at oneend and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember’s Sam’sinstructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure tosay – “Thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am,thank you ma’am, sorry Sam, thank you ma’am.”

Prison life versus a full-time jobIn prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8′ X 10′ cell.At work you spend most of your time in a 6′ X 8′ cubicle.In prison you get three meals a day.At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.In prison you get time off for good behavior.At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.In prison you can watch TV and play games.At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.At work you are just ball-and-chained.In prison you get your own toilet.At work you have to share.In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.At work there are some programs you can never get out of.In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.At work we have managers.