A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to recommend a good drink. The bartender says that their grasshoppers are very good, so the man orders one. Then he has another couple.On the way home henotices a grasshopper on the ground. He says to the grasshopper, “do you know that there is a drink named after you?”The grasshopper looks up at the man and says “do you mean they have a drink called Irving?”

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn’t stop. He hit the bunny head on. Once the man knew what had happened, he quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, laying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter bunny. The man cried out, “Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter bunny!” The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertable. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was. The man explained, “I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter Day, and it’s all my fault.” The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny. Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, “What is that stuff in that bottle?” The woman replied, “It’s harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave.”

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, “I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?” Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains, “Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn’t believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient.”
“Oh,” says the little girl, “I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch.”

Q. How do baseball players stay cool?
A. Sit next to their fans

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons. The first woman tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic woman chirps in, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third woman crone says, “My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he’s called ‘Your Eminence’.”

Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle, “Well…?” sort of look.

“My son is 6′2″ has broad square shoulders is terribly handsome and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say ‘Oh my God…’.”

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand. He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”