Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?A: To get to the Shell station!

A man walked into a shop and found the clerk stalking flies with a fly swatter. “Have you gotten any?” he asked. The clerk replied, “Yeah. Three males and two females.”"How do you tell the difference?” the man asked curiously. “Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!”

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” “Absolutely,” the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”