Q: What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
A: Either way somebody loses a trailer home!
You know you’re a redneck if your wife wants to take a bath but you have to move the transmision from the tub first.
You know you’re a red neck when you go to family reunions to pick up chicks!
If you’ve been married three times and your in-laws aint changed then you might just be a redneck.
If a sign reads say no to crack and you pull up your pants then you might just be a redneck.
You know you are redneck when you mow your lawn and find a car.
You know you are redneck when your favorite shirt is illegal in more then 15 states.
You know you are redneck when you shut your car door and your gun makes you a sun-roof.
You know you are redneck when your friends go water skiing while you are towing your boat to the lake.
You might be a redneck if your exhaust system incorporates more than three wire hangers and at least two juice cans.
You might be a redneck if you think “fat-free” means undoing your belt and the first 3 buttons.
You know you’re a redneck when you think marriage vows are what your father-in-law promised to do to you if you didn’t marry his daughter.
You might be a redneck if an intimate evening at home consists of sharing the remote.
You might be a redneck if it’s easier to rotate your home than your TV antenna.
You might be a redneck if you use old newspapers in more than 3 ways in your home.
You know you’re a redneck if you stare at the Orange Juice container because it says “Concentrate.”
You know you’re a redneck when some one yells “hoe down” and your wife drops to the floor!
You might be a redneck if you can relate to the following statements:
1) “Nothing says lovin’ like lovin’ your cousin!”
2) “Why go across town when you can go across the hall?”
3) “If you can’t keep it in the pants then keep it in the family.”
You know you’re a redneck when your family tree is a wreath.
You know your a redneck when your town priest is also your town plummer.
You know you’re a redneck when you’re front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You have a home that is mobil and 14 cars that aren’t.
You know you’re a redneck when you have seven cars in your driveway, but only one works.
What was the last thing the redneck said before he died?
“Hey y’all, watch this!”
You know your a redneck if your Thanksgiving turkey was once a family pet!
You might be a redneck if you wear cowboy boots with shorts.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here? “Sure do,” replied the bartender. “Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my’ gator.”
In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow – one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator —-It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
Legal Business Card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. …Benjamin Franklin.
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. “Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?” “Certainly,” replies the doctor, “Where do you think lawyers come from?”
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog lying on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head?
A2: No.
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?”
The barman says, “Yep, that’s them.”
So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”
Bush says, “We’re planning WW III “.
And the guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”
Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits.”
The guy exclaimed, “A blonde with big tits?”
“Why kill a blonde with big tits?”
Bush turns to Powell and says,
“See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!”
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”
A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night.
The woman on the other end of the phone said, “My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I can’t get them apart.”
The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them.
She said “Yes, but it didn’t work.”
He said, “Did you try hitting them with a broom.”
She said, “Yes, but that didn’t work either.”
He then said, “Well Ma’am here’s what you do. Hang up. I’ll call you back. When the phone rings, they will separate.”
She said, “Do you really think that will work?”
He said, “Well it just did for me!”
You know you’re a redneck when… you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.