Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside an operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out, and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

“A circumcision,” the first kid answers.

“Whoa!” the second kid says. “Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year.”

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going?”

She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter.”

He says, “No kidding! What law firm are you with?”

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over. He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!”

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.

Now he’s getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she’s laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

“What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle!”

A guy walks into a bar… once inside, he realizes it’s a gay bar, but decides he really wants a drink and doesn’t want to find another place. So he sits down and the gay bartender says to him, “What’s the name of your penis?”

The guy says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”

The gay bartender says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.”

So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, “Hey, what’s the name of your penis?” The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, “TIMEX.” The guy asks, “Why Timex?” The fella proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’!”

A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, “So, what do you call your penis?” The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because quality is Job 1.” He then adds, “Have you driven a Ford lately?”

Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer.”

The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why secret?”

The guy says, “Because it’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!”

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

“Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Keith!”

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

She got up, unplugged the TV, and then threw out my beer. She can be such a bitch sometimes.