Y’allbonics – How to speak Southern

HEIDI – noun – Greeting
HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage – “Heidi, Hire yew?”

BARD – verb – Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage “My brother bard my pick-up truck.”

JAWJUH – noun – The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage – “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pick-up truck.”

BAMMER – noun – The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage – “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20 000 000 in improvements.”

MUNTS – noun – A calendar division.
Usage – “My brother from Jawjuh Bard my pick-up truck an’ I ain’t heard from him in munts.”

THANK – verb – Cognitive process.
BARE – noun – An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops and yeast.
Usage – “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT – adjective – Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage – “Them Bammer boys shore are ignert.”

RANCH – noun – A tool for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage – “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pick-up truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun – A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage – “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pick-up truck.”

FAR – noun – A conflagration.
Usage – “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pick-up truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR – noun – A rubber wheel.
Usage – “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pick-up truck.”

TIRE – noun – A tall monument.
Usage – “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris.”

RETARD – verb – To stop working.
Usage – “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT – noun, verb – A Usage -a battle or conflict; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage – “You younguns keep fat’n ‘n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh asses.”

RATS – noun – Entitled power or privilege.
Usage “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

CHEER – adverb – In this place.
Usage – Jus’ set that bare rat cheer.

FARN – adjective – Not domestic.
Usage – I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed, must be from some farn country.”

DID – adjective – Not alive.
Usage – “He’s did Jim.”

ARE – noun – A colourless, odorless gas. Oxygen.
Usage – “He cain’t breathe, give him some ARE!”

BOB WAR – noun – A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage – “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE – noun and verb, contraction.
Usage – “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with a bob wire fence cump’ny?”
HAZE – a contraction.
Usage – “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah, haze ingnert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n ‘is laf.”

SEED – verb – Past tense of “to see.”
VIEW – contraction, verb and pronoun.
Usage – “I ain’t never seed New York City .. view?”

GUBMINT – noun – A bureaucratic institution.
Usage – “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.”

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press “1″ repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press “2″.

If you have multiple personalities, please press “3″, “4″, “5″, and “6″.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press.

No one will answer.

A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the bartender tells him he owes $6.50.

“But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “if you said you paid, you did.”

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeeper replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.”

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when suddenly,

The bartender leans over and says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right on the face.”

“Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responds. “Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

A blonde enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says “Choose from our range on the wall.”

She says “I’ll take the big red one.”

The man replies “That’s a fire extinguisher.”

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he’d been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

“SPOT!” called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog, lying at the young man’s feet.

Relieved at the dog’s having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. “Spot!” she called out sharply. “I’ve got it made,” thought the fellow to himself. One more and I’ll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

“Spot!” shrieked the mother. “Get over here before he shits on you!”