Dear Crabby:

I am a sailor in the United States Coast Guard. My parents live
in the suburbs of Philadelphia and one of my Sisters, who lives
in Bensonhurst is married to a transvestite. My Father and Mother
have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole
life sentence in Attica, for murder, the other currently being
held in the Wellington Remand Center on robbery charges. I have
recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who
lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time “working girl”
in a brothel; however, her time there is limited, as she has
recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon
as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of
opening our own brothel, with my fiancé Utilizing her knowledge
of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two Sisters
would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer
them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off
the streets and, hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing
her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest
with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Detroit
Lions fan? –Signed, Worried