One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, “You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.”
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, “You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, “You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.
The pilot says “Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let’s give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them”
The lawyer says “Fuck the Boy Scouts!”
The priest says, “Do we have time?”

A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says “I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days”.
The husband says “Why? Don’t you have any vases?”

Q: How do you make four old ladies say “FUCK!”?

A: Get a fifth one to yell “BINGO!”

Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day, “Why don’t you just swim around like us?”
Bob replied, with a smirk, “well, when the time comes, I’m gonna be the first one there”.
The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn’t. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.
The others asked him why he turned around and he said, “back up boys it’s a BLOW JOB!”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said, “Buffalo come.”
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed “Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?”
Tonto replied, “Face sticky.”

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
“Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!”
“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!”

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds ” My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires “Is that true?”
The husband replies “Well not exactly, it’s her that suffers not me.”

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”
The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”
“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”
“Do I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!”
“Right I’ll give you three choices… 1 You come fishing with me and the dog… 2 You give me a BLOW JOB…. 3 or you take it up the ass!”
The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”
“Wife I’ve given you three options.. You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, “Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?”
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a blow job!”
“Great!” He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting… It tastes all shitty!”
“Yes!” says her husband “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”