There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM)
and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark
and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.
What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It’s not working.

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical
arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister
Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both,
so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than a man with his pants down……..

And those of you who thought it would be dirty, Pray for forgiveness
you heathens!!

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While
driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, “If
I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?”

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer
hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her
clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives
off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear
without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend
are trapped in the car. “Go get help.”, he pleads.

She replies, “I can’t, I’m naked.”

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says,
“Cover your snatch with that and go get help.”She takes
the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station
down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells
to the attendant, “HELP! HELP! My boyfriend’s stuck!”

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch
and replies, “I’m sorry Miss. He’s too far in.”

Growing Pains

A teacher is reviewing her class’ homework assignment.
She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part
of the human body enlarges to seven times its original
size when stimulated. Susie stands up, shuffles her
feet and says, “Well, I think I know, but I’m too embarrassed
to tell you.” The teacher says, “Sit down, Susie. Johnny,
tell the class what part of the human body enlarges
to seven times its size when stimulated.” Johnny says,
“That’s easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven
times its original size when stimulated by light.”
The teacher says, “That’s right, Johnny.” Then she
turns to Susie and says, “Susie, first of all, you didn’t
do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, when you get married, you’re in for a big
disappointment.”

DRAGONSLAYER

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur’s court. He
had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen’s voluptuous
breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who
was the King’s chief physician. Horatio said “I can arrange it, but I
will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes.” Michael the Dragon Master
readily agreed.

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a
little of it into the Queen’s brassiere while she was taking a bath.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew in intensity.

Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that
only a special saliva would cure this type of itch, and that tests had
shown such a saliva was only to be in the mouth of Michael the Dragon
Master.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the
imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the
itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the
next four hours worked passionately on the Queen’s magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding
payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay
Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never
report this matter to the King.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
lotion onto King Arthur’s loincloth. And Michael the Dragon Master was
again summoned by the King.

Moral of the story: Pay your bills

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move
and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship:
“I apologize” and “You are right.”

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to
eat crow while it’s still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was,
“Go! You might meet somebody!”

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her–believe it.

8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, “Will this matter one
year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?”

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because
of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person
was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it’s not that important.

13. And finally… Be really nice to your friends. You never know
when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.