Two Prostitutes meet at the entrance to their apartment block.
“Hi Lil ……… How’s Business ?”
“O-o-o-h … Busy …Busy …Busy !. I must have been up and down
those stairs 40 times today !”
“O-o-o-h …. Your poor Feet !”

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated
boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented his boat
to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying
to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that
day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly. When he
got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the
grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said,
“I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said, Hell no! Fact
is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing
from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled
like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad
crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every
time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I
guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those
four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t
very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn
fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up
the middle.”

The old woman fainted.

“What happened?” asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged
man sitting up in bed.
“Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take
a ride on the Loch Ness Monster… As we came up to the top of the
highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I
tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn’t make it out.
I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so
quickly that I couldn’t see what the sign said. By now, I was
determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we
reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view.”
“And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?” asked the
visitor.
“Yes,” he said sheepishly, “Remain seated at all times!”

1. IN-> OUT<- *Repeat as often as possible*
2. A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.
3. If she says “doggy style”, then DO NOT whip down to the local
S.P.C.A.
4. Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a
church.
5. If your stomach hurts it is not an orgasm, more likely indigestion
or appendicitis.
6. A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that’s
a pawn shop.
7. If your wife tells you sex is a ‘pain in the ass,’ turn her over.
8. A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch you use both hands.
9. Kama Sutra is not a martial art, therefore don’t tell your lover
that you have a black belt in it.
10. Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your
husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your
womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note…Must do more
sit-ups.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long
loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean. Condition your hair
with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil.
Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash your face with crushed
apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come
off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide
to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the
water pressure.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap
hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.
Tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If
you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then
sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.
Leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way,
shake wiener at her, making the “woo-woo” sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to
see if you have pecs. (No)
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
Get in shower.
Don’t bother to look for a washcloth…You don’t use one.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower.
Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the
floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole
time. Partially dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size
again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your
wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the “woo-woo”
sound again.
Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

A man goes to the pharmacist and orders some durex, ‘What colour,
sir’ Enquired the assistant.
‘What colours have you got?’
Asked the man. ‘Green, red, orange, yellow, even blue ones’ said
the assistant.
‘Oh give me one of each’
A little over nine months later the man went into the same
pharmacist and ordered a maternity bra.
‘What bust?’ asked the assistant.
The man looked at her and said ‘The blue one’

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country
road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to
his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly,
she jerked away, got out of the car in a hurry and ran home. Later
that night, she wrote in her diary, “A girl’s best friends are her
own two legs.”

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they
were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary’s skirt.
Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car and hurried home.
Later that night she wrote in her diary, “I repeat, a girl’s best
friends are her own two legs.”

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This
time, Mary didn’t get home until very late. That night, she wrote
in her diary, “There comes a time when even the best of friends
must part.”

In every romantic relationship there comes a time to meet the
parents. The stress of wondering if they will like and accept you
can lead to embarrassing misstatements. To help you avoid some of
the most common conversational pitfalls I’ve compiled a list of
the Top Ten things not to say to your girlfriend’s parents when you
meet them for the first time:
10. Gee, Pops, you’re not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter
said you are.
9. Wazzzaaaaap!
8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.
7. You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.
6. No… No… It’s OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.
5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her
friend Joanne?
4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I’m Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the
midget is Sam. Is Sally ready?
3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I’m waiting out hear! Send
the bitch out!
2. You should be proud, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, you’ve raised a good
girl. I can’t get her to blow me no matter what I say.
And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your boy or
girlfriend’s parents for the first time:
1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that,
I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when
it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off
the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: “What’s that?”
Lady 2: “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”
Lady 1: “Where did you get it?”
Lady 2: “You can get them at any drugstore.”
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, AFTER all, over 80
years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: “Listen Sonny, it doesn’t matter as long as it fits a camel.”

Jack takes Jill out for the first time, and on the way home, he
pulls into a dark rest area.
Jill says, “My mother told me to say no to everything.”
Jack says, “Would you mind giving me a blow job?”