1. People who point at their wrist when asking for the time.
I know where my watch is buddy!! Do I point to my crotch when
I ask you where the bathroom is???

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the
entire room for the remote control because they don’t want to
have to get up to turn the channels anyway! Isn’t that a
contradiction or an oxymoron or something???

3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat
it too!”..Blow me!!! What good is a damn piece of cake if you
can’t eat it?? What should I do, eat someone else’s cake??

4. When people say “It’s always in the last place you look”.
Well, no shit!! Why the fuck would you keep looking for
something you already found? Do people do this?? Who and
where are they???

5. When people say, while watching a movie in a theater,
“did you see that?!?!” No dickhead, I paid 8 bucks to come
to a theater and stare up at the damn ceiling, what did you
come here for???

6. People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really
give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

7. When commercials advertise something “new and improved”.
Which is it? If it’s new, there has never been anything before
it. If it’s improved, then there must have been something
before, hence making it old, contrary to new!!!

8. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you knew how
fast you were going. You should know asshole… you’re the
one that pulled me over!!!!

TOP 5 REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

5) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
4) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
3) Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.
2) If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Jim decided to propose to Sandy. But prior to her acceptance,
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her
breasts the maturity of a 12 year old’s.

He stated that it was okay, because he loved her so much.
However, Jim felt this was the time for him to open up and
admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the
eyes and said, “I too have a problem. My penis is the same
size as an infant’s, and I hope you can deal with that once
we are married.”

She said, “Yes. I will marry you and learn to live with your
infant- sized penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could
not wait for the honeymoon. Jim rushed Sandy off to their hotel
suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants she began to scream and
ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant’s!”

“It is . . . 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches!”

An old cowboy went into a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat
there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?”

He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch,
herding cows.” He then asked her what she was.

She replied, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of
women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make
me think of women! ”

A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy
and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?”

He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out that
I’m a lesbian.”

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona
cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle,
horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old days.”

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman
turned to the fellow on his right and asked, “Roy, aren’t you and
your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?”

“Yup, we sure are,” Roy replied.

“Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man
asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For
our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our
fiftieth, I’ll go down there and get her.”

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his
ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach
a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a
young boy where the post office was. When the boy
had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said,
“If you’ll come to the Baptist Church this evening,
you can hear me telling everyone how to get to
heaven.” “I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said.
“You don’t even know where your way to the post office.”

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their
professions:

The one guy says, “I’m a YUPPIE….ya know…
Young, Urban Professional.”

The second guy says, “I’m a DINK…ya know…
Double Income, No Kids.”

They asked the woman, “What are you?”

She replied……”I’m a WIFE…ya know….
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”

Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making
for dinner. “Hello?” said a little girl’s voice.

“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” said Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob said, “But you don’t have an Uncle Frank,
honey!”

“Yes I do. He’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!”

“Okay, then. Here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle
Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house.”

“Okay, Daddy!”

A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone.
“Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”

“And what happened?”

“Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front
window and now she’s all dead.”

“Oh my god! And what about Uncle Frank?”

“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared
and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he
must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean
it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he’s dead too.”

There was a long pause, then Bob said, “Swimming pool?
Is this 555- 7039?”

John was talking to his fiancée, Rebecca, and he said, “Be
honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?”

To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that
you’re warm.”

“Really?” he said excitedly.

“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition
of the word ‘warm’.”

John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked
his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”

There was this guy who went to a camp for adults. The owner
was showing him around, and said, “You’re gonna love it here,
especially the barrel behind the restrooms. When you feel the
need, stick you’re dick in the hole for a blowjob.”

The next day, the guy saw the owner and said, “This place is
great. I’m going to use that barrel every day.”

The owner said, “Every day except Mondays.”

“Why not on Mondays?”

The owner said, “That’s your day in the barrel.”