A woman died and went to heaven. As St. Peter was processing her,
she heard a woman screaming in pain. She looked in a room and saw
a group of angels drilling holes in the woman’s shoulders to
fasten the wings to her. Then she heard a man screaming and saw
angels drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo to him.

“I don’t want to go to heaven,” she told St. Peter. “I’ll go to
the other place.”

“You want to go to hell?” he replies. “They rape and sodomize you
down there.”

“I don’t care,” she answered. “At least I already have holes for
that.”

A guy spent the day walking around town looking for a job.
He finally walked into an adult store. “Do you have any work
for me?” he asked the owner.

The owner smiled and responded, “You come as if you have been
sent from heaven. I just opened another store and I’m looking
for someone to mind this store for me.”

“When do I start?” the guy asked.

“Now. I’m leaving for the other store shortly.” The owner
explained all the ins and outs and then left.

First to enter the store was a Caucasian woman. She walked
around and stopped at the dildo rack. “How much for the white
dildo?”

“Forty dollars,” he said.

“How much for the black dildo?”

“Forty dollars.”

“Give me the . . . uh, black one. I’ve never had a black one
before.” She paid and left.

Soon an African-American woman walked in. She too walked around
and stopped at the dildo rack. “How much for the black dildo?”
she asked.

“Forty dollars.”

“How much for the white dildo?”

“Forty dollars.”

After thinking a moment, the woman said, “Give me the . . . uh,
white one. I’ve never had a white one before.” She paid and left.

Then a blonde woman walked in. She walked around and stopped at
the dildo rack. “How much for the white dildo?” she asked.

“Forty dollars.”

“How much for the black dildo?”

“Forty dollars.”

“And how much for the checkered one on your counter there?”

“Two hundred dollars.”

“Give me . . . uh, the checkered one. I’ve never had a checkered
one before.” She paid and left.

Closing time came around and the owner returned. “How was your
first day?”

“Great!” the guy responded. “I sold a white and a black dildo for
forty bucks each, and I sold your thermos for two hundred.”

Here are some new words that aren’t yet in the dictionary (you old
timers remember these as ‘Sniglets’ from HBO.)

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to
turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you
dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow
`remove’ all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering
for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6.LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n.
Manhandling the ‘open here’ spout on a milk container so badly
that one has to resort to the `illegal’ side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be
walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you
were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup’ kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you
pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

11. Fenderberg (fen der berg) the chunk of ice that forms on the
underside of your car when driving on the roads in winter snow storms.

The following were actually taken from classified ads in the
newspapers:

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
———————————–
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
———————————-
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer
—————————-
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
—————————–
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
——————————-
FREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
——————————
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: one 5-finger, one 3-finger, PAIR: $15
——————————
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L,
AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION — $6800
——————————
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED… ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
——————————–
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK — $2000
———————————
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
———————————–
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
———————————–
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
———————————–
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
———————————-
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
———————————–
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED — CALL CHUBBIE
———————————–
BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
“WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”
———————————–
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT… BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE A REWARD.
———————————–
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
———————————–
ICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED
———————————–
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
———————————–
COLLECTION OF GIRLS BICYCLE SEATS - GOING CHEAP
———————————–

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do
more damage.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines

A small, balding man stormed into a local bar and demanded, “Gimme
a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I’m so upset I can’t even
see straight!”

The bartender, noticing that the little man was a bit the worse for
wear, poured him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swilled down
the drink and said, “Gimme another!”

The bartender poured the drink, but said, “Now, before I give you
this, why don’t you let off a little steam and tell me why you’re
so upset?”

So the man began his tale: “Well, I was sitting in the bar next
door when this gorgeous blond sauntered in, and actually sat beside
me at the bar. I thought, Wow! This has never happened before.
You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of
minutes later I felt this hand moving around in my lap, and the
blond leaned over, licked my ear, and asked if I was interested!
I couldn’t believe this was happening! I managed to nod my head,
so she grabbed my hand, and started walking out of the bar. So of
course I went with her. This was just too good to be true! She took
me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon
as she shut the door she slipped out of her dress. That was all she
was wearing! I tell you it didn’t take me much longer to get out of
my clothes! But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys
jingling, and someone started fumbling with the door. The blond said,
‘Oh my gosh, it’s my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match
tonight. He’s gonna be real mad! Quick, hide!’ So I opened the closet,
but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I
didn’t hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he
was bound to look there too. By now I could hear the key in the lock.
I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there
by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn’t see me.”

The bartender said, “Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated
at this point.”

“Well, yeah, but the guy finally got the door open and he yelled
out, ‘Who you been sleeping with now, bitch?’ The girl said, ‘Nobody,
honey, now come to bed and calm down.’ Well, the guy started tearing
up the room. I heard him tear the door off the closet and throw it
across the room. I was thinking, Boy, I’m glad I didn’t hide in there.
Then I heard him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good
thing I didn’t hide under there either. Then I heard him say, ‘What’s
that over there by the window?’ I thought, Oh crap, I’m dead meat now.
But the blond by now was trying real hard to distract him and convince
him to stop looking. Well, I heard the guy go into the bathroom, and I
heard water running for a long time, and I figured maybe he was gonna
take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the bastard poured a
pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my
head! I mean look at this, I got second- degree burns all over my
scalp and shoulders!”

The bartender said, “Oh man, that would have enraged me for sure.”

“No, that didn’t really bother me. Next, the guy started slamming the
window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers.
They’re a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass.”

The bartender looked at the guy’s hands and said, “Yeah, buddy, I can
understand why you are so upset.”

“No, that wasn’t what really ticked me off.”

The bartender then asked in exasperation, “Well, what did finally tick
you off?”

“Well, I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and
I was only about six inches off the ground!”

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid
is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his
teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at
just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and
lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in
the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a
coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee
cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on
the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way
across the market.

Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid’s balls and
squeezes gently but firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
25-cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand.

Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back
to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects,
the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him
saying: “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before– it was
fantastic — Are you a doctor?”

“Oh, good heavens, no,” the man replies, “I work for the Internal
Revenue Service.”

Better Safe than Sorry?…

One day while returning to my desk after a routine call,
one of our female employees flagged me down and asked for
help.

“My floppy drive won’t work, can you help me ?”

I told her I’d take a look and proceeded over to her machine,
where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff
hanging out of her 3.5″ floppy drive. While I spent the
next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging out the
plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner of the office trying
awful hard to keep a straight face.

Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got
into the drive.

“Oh, you mean the condom!”

“Condom???”

“Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom
on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses”

By this point John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could
do to keep from joining them. The “condom” turned out to be a
standard 3.5″ plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her
that a practical joke had been played and she shouldn’t do
that anymore, then she asked (as serious as she could be)

“Does that mean I don’t have to stroke it ten times or blow on
it either???”

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs.
She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb,
and had them come up with the rest:

Better Be Safe Than… Punch A 5th Grader.

It’s Always Darkest Before… Daylight Savings Time.

Strike While The… Bug Is Close.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of… Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But… How?

Don’t Bite The Hand That… Looks Dirty.

No News Is… Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A… Mr.

You Can’t Teach An Old Dog New… Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You’ll… Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust.. Me

The Pen Is Mightier Than The… Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is… The Best Way To Relax.

Where There’s Smoke, There’s… Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who… Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is… Not Much.

Two’s Company, Three’s… The Musketeers.

Don’t Put Off Tomorrow What… You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And… You
Have To Blow Your Nose.

Children Should Be Seen And Not… Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don’t Succeed… Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You… See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind… Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like… Aunt Edie.

This guy dies and goes to hell. He is depressed and
generally down in the dumps about it.

A demon comes along and says, “Hey! Why are you so
glum, chum?”

The man replies smartly, “I’m in hell, what do you
think?!?!”

The demon tells the man, “Ahhh, don’t get down about
it. Hell isn’t such a bad place.” The demon goes on,
“Tell me, you like to drink?”

The man says, “Sure, I like to drink.”

The demon replies, “Well, you are gonna love Mondays!
We drink whiskey, rum, vodka, tequila, anything you
like! It doesn’t matter how sick or hungover you get,
you’re already dead!”

The new arrival says, “Well, I guess that doesn’t sound
so bad.”

The demon asks, “Do you like to smoke?”

The man replies,”Well, yeah.”

The demon says, “Dude, You will love Tuesdays here! We
bring in the best cigars from around the world. We smoke
and smoke and smoke! It doesn’t matter if you get cancer,
you’re already dead.”

The man says, ” Hmmmm. That sounds pretty good too.”

The demon inquires, “Tell me, do you like to gamble?”

The man responds, “Sure, use to do alot of that.”

The demon says, “Man, are you gonna love Wednesday! You
can play craps, blackjack, roulette, poker. It doesn’t
matter how much you lose, or how destitute you become,
you’re already dead!”

The newcomer says, “Cool!”

The demon asks the man, “Tell me something, you like drugs?”

The man replies, “Are you kidding? I love drugs!”

The demon tells him, “Great! You will love Thursdays! You
will do crack, smack, coke, crank. You can smoke joints as
big as submarines. None of it matters if you O.D.,
because….that’s right, you are already dead!”

The newcomer says, “Wow! I never knew hell was such a
swinging place!”

The demon says, “Hey, are you gay?”

The man replies, “No! I am not gay!”

The demon glumly says, “Dude, you are gonna hate Fridays!”