There once was a monastery that was very strict. Following
a vow of silence, no one was allowed to speak at all. But
there was one exception to this rule. Every ten years, the
monks were permitted to speak just two words.

After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one
monk went to the head monk. “It has been ten years,” said
the head monk “What are the two words you would like to speak?”

“Bed… hard…” said the monk.

“I see,” replied the head monk.

Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk’s office.
“It has been ten more years,” said the head monk. “What are
the two words you would like to speak?”

“Food… stinks…” said the monk.

“I see,” replied the head monk.

Yet another ten years passed and the monk again met with the
head monk who asked, “What are your two words now, after these
ten years?”

“I…quit!” said the monk.

“Well, I can see why,” replied the head monk “All you ever do
is complain.”

A little old lady goes into an ice cream parlor. She says to
the young man behind the counter, “I’d like a vanilla cone,
please.”

The counterman replies, “Sorry, ma’am, but we’re out of
vanilla today.”

“All righty,” says the lady, “Then, I’ll just have vanilla.”

“No, ma’am, perhaps you didn’t understand,” says the counterman,
“We’re all OUT of vanilla today. All we have is chocolate and
strawberry.”

“I see…” says the old lady. “Well, in that case, I’ll have
vanilla, please.”

“Lady!” growls the counterman, “I said we’re all out of vanilla!
No vanilla! None!”

“Oh, dear,” says the old lady. “And I had my heart so set. Well,
okay, fine then, just make me a vanilla cone.”

The counterman loses his patience, “Lady, listen to me. Can you
spell the ’straw’ in strawberry?”

“Why certainly,” she replies, “S-T-R-A-W.”

“Okay, lady, now can you spell the ‘choc’ in chocolate?”

“Yes, C-H-O-C,” she answers.

The counterman sneers, “Now how about the ‘fuck’ in vanilla?”

“My goodness,” sputters the old lady, “Why, there’s no ‘fuck’
in vanilla!”

“Right, lady!” growls the counterman, “THERE AIN’T NO FUCK IN
VANILLA!!!!”

[Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walks in.]

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well, dear… a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married.
One night, they go into their room. They kiss and hug and have
sex. [The daughter looks puzzled.] That means the daddy puts his
penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and
daddy’s room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get
when you do that?

Mom: Jewelry, honey.

English………. I Love You
Spanish………. Te Amo
French……….. Je T’aime
German……….. Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese……… Ai Shite Imasu
Italian………. Ti Amo
Chinese………. Wo Ai Ni
Swedish………. Jag Alskar Dig
Eskimo……….. Nagligivaget
Greek………… S’Agapo
Hawaiian……… Aloha Wau la Oe
Irish………… Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew……….. Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian………. Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian……… Une Te Dua
Finnish………. Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish………. Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian…….. Se Ret Lay
Persian………. Du Stet Daram
Maltese………. Jien Inhobbok
Catalan………. Testimo Molt
Redneck ……… Nice Boobs

The balcony of the execution chamber was full as the old
black murderer was led to the electric chair. Wires were
attached to his head, chest, and arms. To put the wires
on his legs, the executioner cut the man’s pants at the
knees, and the head of the prisoner’s dick popped out one
of the slits. The gallery of witnesses began to laugh
hysterically.

The old man looked up with tears in his eyes and screamed,
“Laugh, you sons of bitches, but if you was as scared as me,
yours would shrink up, too!”

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a
long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort,
so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her
occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the
idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that
sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a
life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man
for him. He was browsing through the dildos, for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old
man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, “Well, I don’t really know of anything that
will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments,
and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her
occupied for weeks, except . . . ” and he stopped.

“Except what?” the man asked.

“Nothing, nothing.”

“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”

“Well sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the
voodoo dick.”

“So what’s this voodoo dick?” he asked.

The old man reached under the counter and pulled out an old
wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there
lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks
like every other dildo in this shop!”

The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it does do yet.”
He pointed to a door and said, “Voodoo dick, the door.”
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door,
and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with
the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before
the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dick, go back
in your box!” The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box
and rested there quietly once more.

“I’ll take it!” said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dick,
my pussy.” He left for his trip satisfied that things would be
fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her,
but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and
said, “Voodoo dick, my pussy!” The voodoo dick shot to her
crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d
ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d
had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her,
still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and
she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license,
and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching,
she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo
dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yeah right,
Voodoo dick my ass!”

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became
increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be
pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly
whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, “That will teach you to
pinch!”

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his
wife when he choked, “I… I… didn’t pinch that girl.”

“Of course you didn’t,” said his wife, consolingly. “I did.”

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed
mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to
be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why
did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of
pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn
so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
“My wife’s first husband.”

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his
thumb over the meat.

“Are you crazy?” yelled the customer, “You have your hand
on my steak!”

“What?” answers the waiter, “You want it to fall on the
floor again?”