A little kid of 6 sees two dogs humping in the back garden of his house.
“Dad, what are those two dogs doing?” He inquiries.
His dad fumbles with a lame explanation. “Well, the doggie on the back
has broken his front legs and the other dogies giving him a lift.”
The kid looks for a second and replies “Typical… Try to help someone
out and you end up getting fucked in the ass.”

A fellow walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker.

The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker and asks
the bartender, “Is that a real dog playing poker?”

“Yep, real as can be.” the bartender replies

“Well is he any good?” the follow asked.

“Na, every time he has a good hand, he wags his tail.

Valuable scientific data.

Two proposed new additions to the periodic table (from Chemistry class)
of elements:

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may
freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if
mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong
affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile
when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns
slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion
of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of
shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a
pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct
electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.

Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged
period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are
able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.

Cindy, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet
store in search of an exotic pet…
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The
sign says:

Snatch Eating Frogs
Only $20 each!
Money-Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions).

Cindy excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and
whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter: “I’ll take one.”

Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, “Just follow the instructions
carefully.” Cindy nods, “Okay,” grabs the box, and is quickly on her
way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out the
instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to
do…

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down “there.”

She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to
her surprise, nothing happens! Cindy is totally frustrated and quite
upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the
bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions,
please call the pet store”. So, Cindy calls…

Ralph, the man from behind the counter says, “I had some complaints
earlier today. I’ll be right over”.

Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell. Cindy welcomes him
in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions
and the damn thing just sits there.”

Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into
its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you
how to do this one more time!”

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at
the zoo. She’s wearing a loose fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless with straps. As they are walking through the ape
exhibit they pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla
goes nuts. He jumps up on the bar, holding on with one hand (and
two feet)and grunting, while pounding his chest with his free
hand. He is obviously very excited by this pretty lady in the
wavy pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests
that his wife tease the poor chap, suggesting she pucker her lips,
wiggle her bottom, and play along.

She does and the gorilla gets even more excited making noises
that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let
one of her straps fall which she does and the gorilla is about
to tear the bars down. The husband tells his wife to try lifting
her dress up her thighs…..this drives the gorilla absolutely
crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to
the cage, throws her in with the gorilla and says

“Now, tell HIM you have a headache.”

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert
for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone areas.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells
on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter
with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity.

People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly
bear droppings:
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly
squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.

What Is A Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They’re totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They’re moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion They’re tiny women in little fur coats.

What Is A Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a
block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same
room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same
time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and
then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet
you.

Conclusion They’re tiny men in little fur coats

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink
and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around all over the
place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey
just did?”

The guy says, “No what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” Says the
bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats
everything in sight. I will pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He
finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey
with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around
the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey
finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did
now?” He asks.

“Now what?” Responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it
out and ate it!” says the barkeep.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that blasted cue
ball he measures everything first!”

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she see the
Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf.” Says Little Red Riding Hood.

The Wolf jumps up and runs away!!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again.

This time is crouched behind a tree stump.

“My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.” Says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the
Wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

My what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf.” Says Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams…………..

“Will you f**k off!!!!!, I’m trying to take a shit!”

This guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe he’d
like to have a pet he can get along with. So, he goes to a pet shop in
search of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a
little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,
“Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”

“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”

“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood
what I said and answered me.”

“I understood every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent,
thoroughly educated bird.”

“Yeah?” The guy asks. “Then answer this; how do you hang onto your perch
without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you
asked I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar,
kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it cause of my feathers.”

“Wow,” says guy, “you really can understand and answer, can’t you?”

“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with
competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy … and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy
me. I am a great companion.”

The guy looks at the price tag. “$200!” He says, “I can’t afford that.”

“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.

“Nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20 just
make an offer.”

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He’s funny, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal,
he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is
delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says,
“Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the
cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot,
“but it’s about your wife and the mailman.”

“What?” says the guy.

“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today your
wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth.”

“What happened then?” Asks the guy.

“Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and
began petting her all over,” reports the parrot.

“Oh No!” the guy says, “Then what?”

“Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look
at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down…”

The parrot pauses for a long time. “What happened? What happened?” says
the frantic guy.

“I don’t know,” says the parrot, “I fell off my perch.”