An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out “Oh my God!….” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don’t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ….. brought both paws together…bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.”

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; “Dat’’s Dem”. The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
“Yeah, we”ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere”, says Mick, “Put dem in a pepper bag”

The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick’’s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.

“Dis looks loike a grand place”, says Mick.

He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud “Splat!”

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.

“Focket Dat,” Paddy says, “dis budgie jumpin” is too dangerous for me…”

A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar ”pepper bag”.

Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.

“Watch this Paddy” he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot’’s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean’’s mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff.

Paddy shakes his head and says, “An” oim never troyin” that parrotshooting oider…”

After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his ”pepper bag”.

Dan pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

“For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin” hengliding…”

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

What do dogs and women have in common?
They both like 12-inch bones.

Q: What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: They’re both screwed on their back

A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next to the bed on the floor. He doesn’t believe his dog is dead, so he takes him to the vet, and the vet says, ”I’m sorry, but your dog is dead.” The man doesn’t believe him and says, ”I want a second opinion.”
The doctor goes into the back and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog and bites it and says to the vet, ”Meeoowrr.” The vet says again, ”I’m sorry, sir, your dog is dead.”
The man says, ”No, I want another opinion.”
So the doctor brings out a Laborador Retriever and he jumps all over the dead dog and tugs at it and barks at it and says to the vet, ”Rrrrr.” The vet says, ”I’m sorry, sir, but your dog is dead. that will be 500 dollars.”
”$500 to tell me my dog is dead?” asks the man.
”Well,” the vet replies, ”I’m 100 dollars, the cat scan was 300 and the lab test was 200 dollars.”

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.

Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
It wanted to lay it on the line.

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgets his watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time.
He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. ”Excuse me sir,” says the young man ”do you know what time it is?”

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.

”Mmmmm, it is about 3:00” the zoo keeper responds.

The young man looks at him in awe, ”How did you know that?” The zoo keeper looks back at the man, ”I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you.”