Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: “We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!”

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.

Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: “What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!”

Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up.”

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: “Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!” Cindy responds: “I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- which is why I am exposing my tits!”

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her “love triangle.” Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: “Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??” Calmly, Naomi responds: “BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!”

… your stall warning plays “Dixie.”

… your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

… you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.

… you’ve ever used moonshine as avgas.

… you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

… you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.

… your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

… you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

… just before impact, you are heard saying, “Hey y’all, watch this!”

… you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

… you’ve ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

… you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

… you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.

… you wouldn’t be caught dead flyin’ a Grumman “Yankee.”

… you refer to flying in formation as “We got ourselves a convoy!”

… there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

… when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.

… you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!

… you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.

… you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase “That’s a big 10-4!”

… you typically answer female controllers with titles like “sugar” or “little darlin’.”

… she responds with the words “Honey” or “Big guy” then she may be a redneck.

… you have ever used a relief tube as a spitoon.

… you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.

… you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.

… the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains “Case of Bud.”

… your go/no-go checklist includes the words “Skoal” or “Redman.”

A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to California.” The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to California.”

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, “What did you say to her?” “I just told her that this section of the plane doesn’t go to California.”

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off!”

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. “If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?”

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Acronyms for International Airlines

Italy

ALITALIA = Always Late In The Air, Late In Arrival

ALITALIA = Arrived Late In Turin, And Luggage In Australia

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Britain

BOAC = Better on a camel
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Belgium

SABENA = Such A Bloody Experience Never Again

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Pakistan

PIA = Please, Inform Allah

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Yugoslavia

JAT = Joke About Time

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Pacific Western Airlines

PWA = Pray While Aloft

PWA = Please Wait Awhile Airlines

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Trans World Airlines = Teeney Weeny Airlines

“Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

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(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

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(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

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(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

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(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit

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(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed

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(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level

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(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order

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(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

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(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

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(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That’s what they’re there for

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(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

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(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right” and be serious

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(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here, “she cried,” one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

You’ll Know It’s a No-Frills Airline If:

They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.

All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, “Just once.”

No movie. Don’t need one.

Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.