A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the bartender tells him he owes $6.50.

“But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “if you said you paid, you did.”

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeeper replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.”

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when suddenly,

The bartender leans over and says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right on the face.”

“Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responds. “Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

A guy walks into a bar… once inside, he realizes it’s a gay bar, but decides he really wants a drink and doesn’t want to find another place. So he sits down and the gay bartender says to him, “What’s the name of your penis?”

The guy says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”

The gay bartender says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.”

So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, “Hey, what’s the name of your penis?” The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, “TIMEX.” The guy asks, “Why Timex?” The fella proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’!”

A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, “So, what do you call your penis?” The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because quality is Job 1.” He then adds, “Have you driven a Ford lately?”

Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer.”

The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why secret?”

The guy says, “Because it’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!”

Two guys are chatting in a bar, complaining about their wives. “My wife is really stupid,” says the first guy. “Last week she bought a brand-new car, and she doesn’t even know how to drive.”

“That’s nothing,” says the second guy. “Last week I found a bunch of condoms in my wife’s purse, and she doesn’t even have a penis!”

A five-dollar bill walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Get outta here! We don’t serve your type. This is a singles bar.”

A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car. “They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.

“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup. “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He notices a foot-tall piano player playing up a storm.
Man: Hey, this guy’s really good! Where’d you get him?

Barkeep: Oh, I have a magic lamp that gives me anything I want.

Man: Can I try?

Barkeep: Sure just rub it and say what you want.

Man (rubbing the lamp): I wish for ten thousand bucks.

* Ten thousand ducks appear *

Man: What the hell happened? I asked for 10,000 BUCKS, not DUCKS!

Barkeep: Think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?