One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.Frank had just bought another beer and he didn’t want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: “I spit in my beer.”When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: “I spit in your beer, too!”

”My God! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. ”I got in a tiff with Riley.” ”Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said, surprised. ”He must have had something in his hand.” ??that he did,” Kelly said. ”A shovel it was.” ”Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?” ”Aye, that I did — Mrs. Riley’s tit.” Kelly said. ”And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.”

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys’ car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat. “Sir,” the cop says. “Why do you have all those knives?” “They’re for my juggling act

A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer won’t let him in the guy asks, “‘Why not?” “Because you’re not wearing a tie,” says the bouncer. “But I have come all the way from the other end of town

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to recommend a good drink. The bartender says that their grasshoppers are very good, so the man orders one. Then he has another couple.On the way home henotices a grasshopper on the ground. He says to the grasshopper, “do you know that there is a drink named after you?”The grasshopper looks up at the man and says “do you mean they have a drink called Irving?”

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand. He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”

3 Please

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?” The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.”

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next
to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then
casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No”, he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch
and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so
special about it?”

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.

“What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties…”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then
because I am wearing panties!”

The man explains, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering
hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well
inebriated, around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and
getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the
door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at
him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state.
But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s
behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, “Why don’t you treat
him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him,
why don’t you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with
a kiss? He then might change his ways.”

The wife thought it was worth trying.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about
midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard
him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry
in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she
took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in
an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.
Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a
while, she said to him, “It’s pretty late. I think we had better go
upstairs to bed now, don’t you?”

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, “I guess we
might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”