A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to recommend a good drink. The bartender says that their grasshoppers are very good, so the man orders one. Then he has another couple.On the way home henotices a grasshopper on the ground. He says to the grasshopper, “do you know that there is a drink named after you?”The grasshopper looks up at the man and says “do you mean they have a drink called Irving?”

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand. He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”

3 Please

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?” The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.”

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next
to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then
casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No”, he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch
and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so
special about it?”

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.

“What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties…”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then
because I am wearing panties!”

The man explains, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering
hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well
inebriated, around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and
getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the
door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at
him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state.
But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s
behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, “Why don’t you treat
him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him,
why don’t you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with
a kiss? He then might change his ways.”

The wife thought it was worth trying.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about
midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard
him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry
in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she
took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in
an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.
Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a
while, she said to him, “It’s pretty late. I think we had better go
upstairs to bed now, don’t you?”

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, “I guess we
might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”

Bar Room Translations

1. “YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME.”
(We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)

2. “I’LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU.”
(Happy hour is about to end…drafts are now a dollar, but by
the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. “HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?”
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get
your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. “CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL.” (FEMALE)
(I’m easy.)

5. “CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL.” (MALE)
(I’m gay.)

6. “EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?” (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to
lick you.)

7. “EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?” (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to
you on the ride home?)

8. “I DON’T FEEL WELL, LET’S GO HOME.” (FEMALE)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

9. I DON’T FEEL WELL, LET’S GO HOME.” (MALE)
(I’m horny.)

10. “WHO’S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?”
(I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an
expert at diverting attention.)

11. “EXCUSE ME.” (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

12. “EXCUSE ME.” (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now.)

13. “EXCUSE ME.” (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of
the way.)

14. “EXCUSE ME.” (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You
are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute
that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get
your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch,
like the slut you are.)

15. “WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?”
(What’s cheap?)

16. “CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?” (MALE)
(I’m really gay.)

17. “CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?” (FEMALE)
(I’m really easy.)

18. “THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR.”
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?” (FEMALE)
(I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. I DON’T HAVE MY ID ON ME.” (FEMALE)
(I’m 19.)

21. “I DON’T HAVE MY ID ON ME.” (MALE)
(I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew
a 0.4 after my last visit here)

One Friday night, a seventeen-year-old boy went into a bar, sat down at a table in the corner. When the waitress walked over to his table, the teenager said, “Gimme a beer.”

The waitress eyed him for a moment and said, “Look, sonny. Do you want to get me in trouble?”

The boy glanced back at her and replied, “Maybe later. Right now all I want is a beer.”

Last New Year’s Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

It was embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.

A bloke goes into a pub.
The barmaid asks what he wants.

‘I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off,’ he replies.

‘You dirty bastard!’ shouts the barmaid, ‘Get out before I get my husband.’

The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again.

The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.

‘I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arise cheeks and lick it off,’ he replies.

‘What???’ screams the barmaid, ‘that’s it! You’re barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, get out now.’

Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.

‘Right. I’ll give you one last chance,’ says the barmaid. ‘Now, what do you want?’

‘I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.’

The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the tally.

‘What’s up, love?’ says the husband.

‘There’s this disgusting bloke downstairs. When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,’ she says in a flood of tears.

‘What? He’s a dead man,’ shouts the husband getting out of his chair.

‘Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers, spread cottage cheese between my arise cheeks and lick it off,’ screams the wife.

‘Right, he’s going to need a body bag, the bastard,’ shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.

‘Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me,’ she concludes.

When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.

‘Aren’t you going to do something?’ shouts the wife in hysterics.

‘Listen love, I’m not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness…’

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the man’s wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.

One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,?you were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but don’t worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back.”