A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, “PULLOVER!”
“NO,” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only
the breaststroke. Just three women entered the race, a brunette,
a redhead, and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours the brunette staggered up on the
shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later the redhead crawled up on the shore and
was declared to be the second place finisher.

Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and
promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the
race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser,
but I think those two other girls were using their arms.”

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she’d gone off
men for life. “They lie, they cheat, and they’re just no good,”
she moaned.

“From now on when I want sex, I’m going to use my tried and
tested plastic companion,” she said.

“What happens when the batteries run out?” asked her friend.
“That’s simple,” replied the blonde. “I’ll just fake an orgasm
as usual!”

This blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on
the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found
your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my
bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”

The milkman asked, “Pasteurized?”

The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits.”

A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of
her body with her finger she says, “Doctor it hurts everywhere.
My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head
hurts!” The doctor asks, “Were you ever a Blonde?” “Yes, I was,”
she replies. “Why do you ask?” The doctor answers, “Because
your finger is broken!”

Eternity is 4 Blondes in 4 cars at a 4-way stop.

Five Blondes were on their way to Disneyland. After driving
for three hours they finally saw a sign that said “Disneyland
Left” so they turned around and went home.

What do SMART Blondes and UFO’s have in common? You always
hear about them but never see them.

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
“Oh look… Doughnut seeds.”

Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They
think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp
on it.

Why can’t Blondes dial 911? They can’t find the 11 on the phone!

How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer? There
is white-out all over the monitor.

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette
said, “Oh look at the dead bird.” The blonde looked skyward and
said, “Where, where?”

Why don’t Blondes like making KOOL-AID? Because they can’t fit
8 cups of water in the little packet.

Why won’t they hire Blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking
the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to
some tracks. The first blonde said, “These look like deer
tracks,” and the other one said, “No they look like moose
tracks.” They argued and argued for a while and they were still
arguing when the train hit them.

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger, but they couldn’t. The girl
with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath,
and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain
and the top is down!”

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband
is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a
beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own
head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with
her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to
the husband, “Shut up…you’re next!”

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month
to realize she could play it at night.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the
YMCA? “Look! They spelled MACY’S wrong!”

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in
Spring Training.

A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde wife
sliding naked down the banister.
He blurts out, “What do you think you’re doing!?”
“Just heating up dinner.” she replies.

A blonde decided to try horseback riding, even though
she had no prior experience.

She mounted the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately
sprang into motion. It galloped along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde began to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabbed for the horse’s mane, but couldn’t
seem to get a firm grip. She tried to throw her arms around
the horse’s neck, but she slid down the side of the horse
anyway.

The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its slipping
rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leapt away from
the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately,
her foot became entangled in the stirrup and she was at the
mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head struck the
ground over and over.

As her head was battered against the ground, she was mere
moments away from unconsciousness. Then, to her great fortune,
the Wal Mart manager saw her and shut the horse off.

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a
message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will
be $300. She exclaims, “I don’t have any money, but I would
do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother!!!”

To that the man asks, “Anything??”

And the blonde says, “Yes, anything!!”

He walks into the next room and tells her, “Come in and close
the door.” She does. He then says, “Get on your knees.” She
does. He then says, “Take down my zipper.”

She does. He then says, “Go ahead, take it out.” With that she
takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then
says, “Well, go ahead!”

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close
to her lips, she says, “Hello…Mom?”

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots
a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the
side of the road and stops the car.

Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch
the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she
called out to the blonde in the field. “Why are you rowing a boat
in the middle of the field?”

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds,”Because it is
an ocean of wheat.”

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells
at the blonde in the field. “It is blondes like you that give the
rest of us a bad name.” The blonde in the field just shrugged her
shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook
her fist at the blonde in the field yelling, “If I could swim, I
would come out there and kick your ass!”

A blond woman named Shannon found herself in dire trouble. Her
business had gone bust and she was in serious financial trouble.
She was so desperate that she decided to ask God for help. She
began to pray.

“God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get
some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me
win the lotto.”

Lotto night came and somebody else won. Shannon again prayed.
“God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my
house, and I’m going to lose my car as well.”

Lotto night came and Shannon still had no luck. Once again she
prayed. “My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business,
my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often
ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my
life back in order.”

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened,
and Shannon was confronted by the voice of God Himself. “Shannon,
meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.”