Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix,
the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our
engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about.
Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but
we still have three engines left.”

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, “One more
engine has failed and the flight will take an additional
two hours. But don’t worry . . .we can fly just fine on
two engines.”

An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine
has failed and our arrival will be delayed another hour.
But don’t worry… we still have one engine left.”

Sherry, a young blonde passenger turned to the man in
the next seat and sighed, …….”If we lose one more
engine, we’ll be up here all day!”

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
A: Write “Please turn over” on both sides of a piece of paper

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his
clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the
bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that
terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted
thing?” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!”

That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid
of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever
had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?”

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his
guide dog bit me.”

“What’s the usual tip?” a man growled when, Jason, a college
student delivered his pizza.

“Well,” Jason replied, “this is my first delivery, but the other
guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I’d be doing great.”

“Is that so?” grunted the man. “In that case, here’s twenty dollars.”

“Thanks,” Jason said, “I’ll put it in my college fund.”

“By the way, what are you studying?” inquired the man.

Jason replied, “Applied psychology.”

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had
a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling
about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his
new apartment. “I have a wife and three children and I’d love to
have you visit us.”

“Great. Where do you live?”

“Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the
apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open
with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your
left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down
the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell
with your right elbow and I’ll let you in.”

“Good. But tell me… what is all this business of kicking the
front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then
my left elbow?”

“Surely, you’re not coming empty-handed.”

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. “Are you
hiring any help?” she asked.
“No,” he said, “We already have all the staff we need.”
“Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?”
she asked.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised
new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI
insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was
having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly
100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of
the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and
then said, “If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance,
the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you
don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government
only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think they are going to send
into battle first?”

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is
using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just
saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

4. Your husband chirps, “Hi honey, I’m home.” And your reply, “Well,
if it isn’t Ozzie f—ing Nelson.”

5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives
you four hours of decent rest.

6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

7. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a
field trip to Chippendales.

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when
she collapsed from a heart attack.

“Please dear, I need help.” she said.

The husband ran off saying “I’ll go get some help.”

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began
to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, “I may
be dying and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said
he will come and help you.”

“The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???”

“I told you not to worry,” he said, practice stroking his
putt….”Everyone’s already agreed to let him play through.”

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant
lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start
building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 6 year old daughter naturally took
an interest in all the activity going on next door and
started talking with the workers. She hung around and
eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough,
all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of
project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with
them while they had coffee and lunch breaks,and gave
her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her
with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little
girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate
words of admiration and suggested that they take the
dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day
to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed
with the story and asked the little girl how she had
come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working
with a crew building a house all week”. “My goodness
gracious”, said the teller, “and will you be working
on the house again this week too”?

“I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard
ever bring us the fucking bricks”, replied the little
girl