A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center.
Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other
cleaning supplies. Her actions, deep sighs, and nasty remarks
made it obvious she was in a hurry and very agitated by the
slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the
woman remarked indignantly, “Well, I’ll be lucky to get out of
here and home before Christmas!”

“Don’t worry, ma’am,” replied the clerk. “With that wind kicking
up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you’ll be
home in no time.”

ILITERATE? Write today for free help.

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DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children.

STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: one.

SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE

DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home, too.

GREAT DAMES for sale.

TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it.

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he
asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too
hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and
so on for about half an hour.

Amazingly, the waiter was very patient; he walked back and forth
and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him
why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, I really don’t care or mind,” said the waiter with a smile.
“We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across
from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good
for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.”
Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own fucking business!”

As you all know, I am very selective regarding the e-mails I
forward to friends and family. I am also not usually inclined
to pass on unproven financial advice.

But yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo that the company
is on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they believe
will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that
I wanted to share its potential with my friends and family and
suggest they consider buying stock in the company.

The drug is called “Gingko Viagra,” and its function is to help
you remember what the f*ck you are doing.

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she
finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no
price. She thought she’d die of embarrassment when the checker got
on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “Price
check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize.”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the person looking for the price
misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “Thumbtacks.” In a businesslike
tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, “Do you want the kind
you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”

A businessman walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing
numbers… like a telephone… on his hand and talking into his
hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough
neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here. The guy says,
“You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed
in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says “Prove it.” The guy dials up a number and hands
his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and
carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible,” says the bartender.
“I would never have believed it!” “Yeah,” said the guy, “I can
keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way,
where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s
room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t
return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender
goes into the men’s room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the
wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper
up his butt. “Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you?
Are you hurt?” The guy turns and says: “No, I’m ok. I’m just
waiting for a fax.”

I’m new around here,” said a man to a little boy, “Will you please
direct me to the bank?” “I will, but it’ll cost you ten dollars.”
Answered the boy. “Why should I pay you so much?” Argued the man.
“Because bank directors are always highly paid.”

A man walks into the store to buy some tampons for his wife.
After walking around, unable to find them, he asks a clerk for
assistance.

She walks him over to the aisle where they are and he thanks her.
A few minutes later he walks up to the cash register and puts down
a big bag of cotton balls and a roll of string. Confused, the
cashier says, “I thought you were after tampons for your wife?”

The man says, “It’s like this… Last week I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a
box of papers and a pouch of tobacco. I figure if I gotta roll my own,
so does she.”

A man walks into the store to buy some tampons for his wife.
After walking around, unable to find them, he asks a clerk for
assistance.

She walks him over to the aisle where they are and he thanks her.
A few minutes later he walks up to the cash register and puts down
a big bag of cotton balls and a roll of string. Confused, the
cashier says, “I thought you were after tampons for your wife?”

The man says, “It’s like this… Last week I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a
box of papers and a pouch of tobacco. I figure if I gotta roll my own,
so does she.”

1 Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking
employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing
in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria.
People with the newspaper in their hands look like they’re
heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry
loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the
false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2 Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it
looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and
receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally
have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.
These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that everybody from
the computer revolution expected but they’re not bad either.
When you get caught by your boss–and you will get caught–your
best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use the
new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You’re
not a loafer, you’re a self-starter. Offer to show your boss
what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a
frightened salamander.

3 Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For
the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough.
Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the
observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work;
it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know
somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll
need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when
he/she arrives.

4 Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail.
People don’t call you just because they want to give you
something for nothing– they call because they want YOU to do
work for THEM. That’s the way to live. Screen all your calls
through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for
you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour.
That way, you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re
being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of
screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is
there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give
up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest
voice mail message you can ever hear is “Ignore my last message.
I took care of it.” If your voice mailbox has a limit on the
number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit
frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming
messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages.
Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry,
this mailbox is full”–a sure sign that you are a hardworking
employee in high demand.