Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a
few blocks away from his house when he realized he’d left his
plane ticket on top of his dresser.

He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered
the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the
breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out,
and squeezed her left breast.

“Leave only one quart of milk,” she said. “Jon won’t be here for
breakfast tomorrow.”

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that
she should take out life insurance.

“Suppose your husband were to die,” he said, “what would you
get?”

The housewife thought for a while, and then said, “Oh, a
parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn’t seem so quiet.”

A wealthy trader from Wall Street stopped in at the local
tattoo parlor in Key West, Florida and requested to have a
one hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis.

The heavily tattooed tattoo artist looked at the extremely
well dressed trader with a look of complete astonishment,
and said “I’ve had strange requests, but this one tops the
list. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your
wanker with the picture of a one hundred dollar bill?”

The trader in his usual fashion looked at the burly artist
and told him this account. “There are three distinct reasons
I want this done and done immediately.

One, I love to play with my money. Two, when I play with my
money, I love to see it grow. Three, and this is the most
important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow a
hundred bucks, she won’t have to leave home to do it!

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they
came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were
the following symbols, in this order of appearance:

A woman,

a donkey,

a shovel,

a fish,

and a Star of David.

They decided that this was at least three thousand years old.
They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the
museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to
study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after
months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society stood up and pointed at the first
drawing and said: “This looks like a woman. We can judge that
this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol
resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals
help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel
of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which
means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food
didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last
symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were
evidently Hebrews.”

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and
said, “Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says:
“Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman.”

Drug dealers Software developers
————————— —————————

Refer to their clients Refer to their clients
as “users”. as “users”.

“The first one’s free!” “Download a free trial
version…”

Have important South-East Have important South-East
Asian connections Asian connections
(to help move the stuff). (to help debug the code).

Strange jargon: Strange jargon:
“Stick,” “Rock,” “SCSI,” “RTFM,”
“Dime bag,” “E”. “Java,” “ISDN”.

Realize that there’s Realize that there’s
tons of cash in the tons of cash in the
14 to 25 year-old 14 to 25 year-old
market. market.

Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by
industry’s producing industry’s producing
newer, more potent mixes. newer, faster machines.

Often seen in the company Often seen in the company
of pimps and hustlers. of marketing people
and venture capitalists.

Their product causes DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D.
unhealthy addictions. ‘Nuff said.

Do your job well, and Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
you can sleep with
sexy movie stars who
depend on you.

John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a
salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. The
drugstore owner had had about enough and warned John that the next
sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering the owner’s warning, John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax
and instructed him to take the entire box all at once. The customer
immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked
outside and leaned against a lamppost. The drugstore owner had seen
the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

“He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough
syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.” “Ex-
Lax won’t cure a cough!” the owner shouted angrily.

“Sure it will,” John said, pointing at the man leaning on the
lamppost. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”

A general store owner hires a young female assistant with a
penchant for very short skirts.

One day, a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant,
and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

‘I’d like some raisin bread, please,’ the man says politely.

The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread located on the very top shelf.

The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with
an excellent view.

As the assistant retrieves the bread, a small group of male
customers gather around the young man looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see
the assistant climb up and down.

After a few trips the assistant is tired and irritated.

She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men
standing below.

She notices an elderly man standing among the throng. ‘Is yours
raisin too?’ The assistant yells testily.

‘No,’ croaks the old man, ‘but it’s starting to twitch.’

On having business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend
his last night having wild sex with a Chinese prostitute in
Hong Kong.

Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird,
green, festering sore growing on his penis.

He went to the doctor, Doctor Jones, who, after hearing of his
Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had
Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation.

Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.

Joe contacted Doctor Smith and showed him the green growth.

Doctor Smith said, ‘I am sorry but Doctor Jones is correct. We
must amputate right away.’

Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an
oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time.

He went to Doctor Chu Wong.

Doctor Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but
said, ‘These Western doctors - so quick to Chop, Chop, Chop.
Amputation not necessary’

Joe was relieved. Doctor Wong said, ‘You wait three weeks and it
fall off on its own.’

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is
spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they
walk through the market, someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong
moment. The coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He
immediately starts choking, going blue in the face and dad starts panicking,
shouting for help.

A well-dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a
blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she
looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her
newspaper and places it on the counter. She then gets up from her seat
and makes her unhurried way across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy’s testicles and
squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds,
the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman
deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the
coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without
saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill- effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her
saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was
fantastic! Are you a doctor?”

“Good heavens, no,” the woman replies. “I’m a divorce attorney.”

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his
clerk’s hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the
bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that
terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted
thing?” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!”

“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get
rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit
we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his
guide dog bit me.”