As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
(Microsoft Corporation - this one took first place)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
(Programming intern, Microsoft Development Team)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important that we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising /Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks, and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.
(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.”
(Marketing Executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.”
(Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
(AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying, “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.”
(Microsoft Legal Affairs Division)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for “perverts” (pedophiles?) working in her company. He showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)

This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally circulated memo: “Lucent Technologies is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality!”
(Lucent Technologies - formerly a division of AT&T)

Due to the financial situation within the farming industry, the
Government has decided to place all farmers over the age of 60
on an early retirement scheme.

The scheme (Retire Agricultural Personnel Early) will be known as RAPE.

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply for (Special Help After Farm
Termination) or SHAFT.

Those who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will then be reviewed under the
(Scheme for Retired Early Workers) or SCREW.

Please note: You can only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice but SCREWED
as many times as the Government deem appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income
for Dependants) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Rural Personnel on Early
Severance)

Those Farmers remaining in the Industry will receive as much Special
High Intensity Training or (SHIT) and Caring Responsive Assistance
Programme or (CRAP) as possible.

As you are aware, the Government has always prided itself on the amount
of SHIT and CRAP it gives to Farmers. Should you feel however, you are
not receiving enough SHIT, or that you are not responding to all the
CRAP, please bring this to the attention of the Minister as he has been
especially trained to give you all the SHIT and CRAP that you can handle.

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

——————————————————————————–
I Hate My Job Day

When you have an “I hate my job” day try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer
made by “Q-tip.” Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get
home, lock your doors, draw the drapes and disconnect the phone so you
will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable
clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the
package and remove the thermometer.

Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not
become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that
accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

“Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested.”
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
“I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company.”

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.

“I can fix that with some Aspirin. I’ll just take some and be better in a second.” So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says “We don’t approve of womanizing!” The guy says “Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking.”

Ahhh… I see the f–k-up fairy has visited us again…
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of sh-t.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
You!… Off my planet!
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder… my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

When you please your boss, you’re ass-kissing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

man walks into a building and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization. The manager says, “Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group.” The man says O.K.

He is striped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join.

Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away. The man begs for another chance and is given this chance.

The woman walks by again and again the man’s bell rings again.

The manager says to the man, “Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization.” As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing.

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!”

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
“It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks.”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
“It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
“It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it.”
And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying,
“It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
“It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
“This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company
with very powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how sh*t happens.

Memo from CEO to Manager:
——————————————————————————–
Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is
when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is
something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for
employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in
the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing
the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will
be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:
——————————————————————————–
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will
be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two
minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The
CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some
information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
——————————————————————————–
The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for
two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be
seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.
This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
——————————————————————————–
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will
eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn’t happen every day. It will
be safe, and as usual it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:
——————————————————————————–
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear.
It is a pity this doesn’t happen everyday.