Worried that they hadn’t heard anything for days from the widow in the
apartment next door, the mother said to her son, “Tony, would you go
next door and see how Old Mrs. Pierpoint is?”

A few minutes later, Tony returned.

“Well, is she all right?” asked the mother.

“She’s fine, but she’s rather annoyed with you,” remarked Tony.

“At me?” the mother exclaimed. “Whatever for?”

Tony replied, “Mrs. Pierpoint said it’s none of your business how old
she is.”

Customer answering phone call from one of those telemarketers
with the “We have the lowest long distance phone rates”
lines… (You know, the ones that call just as you are taking
the first bite of your dinner!)

Customer: I’m glad you called! I’ve been wanting to get signed up
for that new “nickel-a-minute” rate!

Telemarketer: Certainly, Sir! Just let me get some information
from you.

Customer: Right, well, can you go ahead and tell me when I’ll get my
first check?

Telemarketer: What, Sir?

Customer: Well, since you’re going to give me a nickel a minute, I
wondered when I’ll start getting paid.

Telemarketer: No, Sir, we don’t PAY you.

Customer: You mean this is a FRAUD?

Telemarketer: No, Sir! It’s just that we don’t PAY you the nickel a
minute. Let me let you talk to a supervisor.

….long conversation with supervisor…

Telemarketer: Now do you understand, Sir?

Customer: I guess so. Could we talk about the “friends-and-family”
plan? I’ve always wanted a little brother.

Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. What’s Your
Business Sign?

1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid
having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and
socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are
now. Least compatible with Sales.

2) SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a
degree.” You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone
calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid
contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture.”
You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3) TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead
content to completely control everything that happens at your
workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying
but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit
the Earth.

4) ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said
that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be
happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest
“ergodynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing
your “carpal tunnel syndrome.”

5) ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune
from office politics. You are the most feared person in the
organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits,
the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely
insane.

6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend
to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only
other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to
return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch
AND then mail a letter.

7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain
at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single
decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you
can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers”
as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager.”

SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)

9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking
your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a
little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to
play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions,
your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10) CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing
your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your
“skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job
with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an
eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever
taking direct action.

11) RECRUITER, “HEADHUNTER”
As a “person” that profits from the success of others, most people
who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and
susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks
correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex
systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13) GOVERNMENT WORKER
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors,
like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep
depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on
the job…Thus the term “GO POSTAL”

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications.

In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”

“And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct,” asked the rejected applicant.

“We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the department manager.

“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired.

“Simple,” said the department manager, “Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’â€?

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

“House” in French, is feminine -”la maison,” “Pencil” in French, is masculine “le crayon.”

One puzzled student asked, “What gender is computer?” The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give three reasons for their recommendation.

The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (”la computer”). And there reasons were:

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine “le computer”) and there reasons were:

They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves

They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem

As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual.
Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply:

Lodging:-
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation:-
Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

MEMORANDUM

From: Headquarters

To: General Managers

Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley’s Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon.

If it rains, cancel the day’s observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.

MEMORANDUM

From: General Manager

To: Managers

By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley’s Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day’s work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.
MEMORANDUM

From: Manager

To: All Department Chiefs

By order of the phenomenal vice-president, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley’s Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the company lawn, the executive vice-president will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years.

MEMORANDUM

From: Department Chief

To: Section Chiefs

Next Thursday at 10:30, the executive vice-president will appear in the auditorium with Halley’s Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the executive vice-president will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal company lawn.

MEMORANDUM

From: Section Chief

To: All EA’s

When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the company lawn, the phenomenal 75-year-old executive vice-president will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a human resources director make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman. “Well, I’d like to,” replied St Peter, “but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,” said the woman.

“Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.

Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St Peter waiting for her.
Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.

She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St Peter came and got her.

“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”

So St Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday, I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff…”

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.”

The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to Seatac airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position in Seattle.

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”