Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was
walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance.
He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says,
“George, you were always wise, what should I do?” Low and
behold, a voice comes down from above and says, “ABOLISH THE
I.R.S. AND START OVER.”

Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks
he’ll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and
utters the same request to Americas author of the Declaration
of Independence and one of its great early philosophers. “Thomas,
you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally
people behind me?” Again a voice from above answers, “WELFARE,
IT’S NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER.”

After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to
all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln
Memorial for guidance from the President who met his untimely
death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified.
“Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and
they no longer trust me what should I do?” After a substantial
pause Abe responds, “TAKE THE DAY OFF, GO TO THE THEATER.”

While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp David
the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot.
They hadn’t been gone for more than a couple of days when the
parrot was found dead in the bottom of it’s cage.

The housekeeper knew the first family would be desolate at the
loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to find a
replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington.
After nearly two days of looking non-stop, she came across an
almost exact duplicate of the bird.

As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that
the bird had previously be owned by a Madam and had lived for
several years in a house of ill-repute. The housekeeper replied
that no one would ever know and she took the bird back to the
White House.

The morning after the Clintons return to the White House, Chelsea
walked through the room and the bird said, “Too young.”

A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded
with, “Too old.”

Late that afternoon the President entered the room and the bird
said, “HI, BILL!”

Bill Clinton’s Excuses For His Sex Scandals

* Excuse me “Your Honor,” but she was on top.

* I didn’t want people to confuse me with the Pope on TV.

* She’s not THAT young. In Arkansas, the age of consent is only 16.

* Hey, at least she’s prettier than Paula Jones or Jennifer Flowers.

* I had to show the American People that I WASN’T impotent for my
second term in office.

* I was jealous of Nixon with his “Tricky Dick” nickname.

* I didn’t leave a message on her voicemail. Get with it. This is
the 90’s, I sent her E-MAIL!

* See I’m not a Lame duck. She said I was pretty GOOD!

* My real name is not William Jefferson Clinton. It’s William
KENNEDY Clinton.

* I couldn’t control myself. It was genetic. I was in her
jeans–oops, I mean it was in my genes.

* I didn’t insert!

* Have you ever made it with the leader of the free world?

* Have you ever made it with a “crooked” politician?

* No, that’s not a boomerang in my pocket.

* Do you want to be an intern and “serve” under me?

* Hillary might be the First Lady, but you certainly wont be
the last.

* Come with me to the Oval Office, I have a “position” in mind
for you.

* I enjoy puttin’ “Big Macs” in my mouth…what about you?

* Are you from Baghdad? Because you’ve got a great “I-RACK.”

* Honey, you stimulate my economic package.

* MYYY…that’s such a pretty blue dress. That’s wrinkle free
material isn’t it?

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for
a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his
wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick
his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he
should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated
that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion
on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely
shaken. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you
how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“My God, Bill, what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No,Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

“Oh…she got fired too.”