The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:
1. The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.
2. The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity And…
3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principal.

Bill Clinton and Hillary were travelling in a car.

They stopped at a filling station. They saw Hillary’s young lover there. Bill said to hillary if you were still with him, you were the wife of a filling station owner.

Hillary said ” NO! Then he would be the president of United States”

Following are the ten times in history that it was OK to use the “F”
word

10) “What the *&%# was that?” -Mayor of Hiroshima
9) “Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?”-Custer
“Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that.” -Einstein
7) “It does SO *&%#ing look like her!” -Picasso
6) “How the *&%# did you work that out?” -Pythagoras
5) “You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?” -Michelangelo
4) “I don’t suppose it’s gonna *&%#ing rain.” -Joan of Arc
3) “Scattered *&%#ing showers…my ass!” -Noah
2) “I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!” -JFK
…and the No. 1 Time in History when it was OK to use the “F”word…
1) “Aw, c’mon Monica! , who the *&%# is going to find out?”-Bill
Clinton

Bill Clinton made up a list of things he can say to his secretaries so they will know what he really wants, but everyone else will ignore.

So one day, he hires a new secretary, and then calls her over the intercom. “Hello Ms., could you please come in here and fix my clock”.
Of course, she innocently agreed. She walked into the office, and looked around. “Where’s the clock sir?”, she asked.

Suddenly, the president stood up and dropped his pants. “That’s not a clock Mr. Clinton !”, she exclaimed.

“It will be”, he replied, “Once you put two hands and a face on it !”.

What do Monica and Bob Dole have in common? They’re both upset Clinton finished first.

They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn’t tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.

How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century? Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.

What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy? One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate labrador.

Clinton was at a fund raiser. He had to take a leak so he went
to the bathroom, stepped up to a toilet and whipped it out.

Just then Jessie Jackson walked in, went to the toilet next to
Clinton and took his out.

Clinton looked down and said “Geez, Jessie, how the heck did you
get such a big cock?”

Jessie said “Easy, every time I am about screw, I slap my dick
on the bed post four times, as hard as I can”.

Clinton put this in the back of his little mind. When Clinton
went home, he saw Hillary sound asleep. Bill felt the urge, so
he whipped little willie out and slapped it real hard four times
against the bed post.

At that time, Hillery said “Is that you Jessie?”

11) Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought
Melissa to complete the foursome.

10) Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great,
but he doesn’t do windows — yet.

9) The baby cries constantly. Maybe I’ll buy Fisher-Price.

Bought my first Macintosh. It’s sooooo cute!

7) Good day. Found over 15 bucks’ worth of soda cans in the trash
bins outside Microsoft headquarters.

6) Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen
I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.

5) Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!

4) Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!

3) Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china,
she means dishes.

2) Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.

The Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates’s Diary…….

1) Seventh day: rested.

10. “Read My Lips - No New Interns”
9. “Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill’s Crap For So Long”
8. “Isn’t It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?”
7. “Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can
Illegally Contribute To My Campaign”
6. “Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife”
5. “You Give Me A Vote, I’ll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job”
4. “Still Not Indicted As Of 1999!”
3. “From Perjury To Albany”
2. “Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband
Over It”

And the NUMBER ONE Hillary Clinton campaign slogan …

1. “Oh Lord, Please Don’t Make Me Go Back To Arkansas”

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment
was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on
all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he
said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed.

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out, “Matt’s
riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.”

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled
father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

Bill Clinton was walking down a street in Washington when he came upon a
group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the
dog, he went over and asked, “What are you doing with that dog?”
One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old
neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him
home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie
will get to keep the dog.”
Of course, the president was taken aback. “You boys
shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then
launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you
boys know it’s a sin to lie,” and ending with, “Why, when I was your
age, I never told a lie.”
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the
president was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the
smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give him the dog.”