During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a
fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the
fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked the question.
“Will I be acquitted?”

News Flash
This just in:
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President
Clinton’s firm denial:
“I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in
my mouth, and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the
shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and has blown up in my
face. This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is
when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I
know what is coming. will meet this challenge the only way I know
how … head on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and
I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky
isn’t a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work
nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this
dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. ” Thank you, Monica
Lewinsky

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.
“I am the most beautiful person in the world,” proclaimed Sleeping
Beauty. “No, you’re not,” answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. “I am the
smallest person in the world,” shouted Tom Thumb. “No, you’re not,”
said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. “I’ve had more lovers than any
person in the world,” announced Don Juan. “No, you haven’t” replied
Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed
a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in
the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his
palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming,
“I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so.”
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.
“I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees.”
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a
half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, “Who the hell
is Bill Clinton”

BIll Clinton was visiting a nursing school and was sitting in
on an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary
muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit,
asked the President, “Do you know what your sphincter does when
you’re having an orgasm?” “Sure,” he replied. “She stays in New
York and campaigns for Senate.

The Chief of NASA went running into Bill Clinton’s office with
exciting news. “Mr.Clinton…Mr.Clinton…We have discovered
intelligent life on Mars”. The President was obviously quite
pleased himself and replied, “Intelligent you say, do ya reckon
the women are smart enough to have a dress cleaned?”

Q. Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and DNA?
A. DNA does not lie.

Q. What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and Santa Claus?
A. Some people still believe in Santa Claus.

Q. What’s the difference between Hillary and Bill?
A. Hillary doesn’t get caught.

Q. What does Iraq and the White House have in common?
A. They both have “no fly” zones

Q. How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter’s finger?
A. Punch him in the nose.

Q. How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A. Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to
this one.

Q. How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None — He’ll only promise to change it.

Q. How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?
A. He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.

Q. What’s Monica’s new phone number?
A. 1-8OO-OICU812

Q. What’s the difference between Prince Albert and Bill Clinton?
A. Prince Albert comes in a can.

Q. What’s the best thing Monica got out of Bill’s Penis?
A. The Wrinkles.

Q. Did you hear that Bill Clinton and Jimmy Swaggert are coming
out with a new magazine?
A. They’re going to call it Re-Penthouse.

Q. Why do we call it the White House?
A. Because sperm isn’t purple.

Q. What’s the difference between Bill and Monica?
A. One doesn’t come clean, the other doesn’t clean come.

Q. What do Bill Clinton’s Dick and a Chevy truck have in common?
A. They’re both like a rock!

Q. How did Bill manage to create such a large gender gap in the
‘96 election?
A. One woman at a time.

Q. There is a rumour circulating that Monica has been arrested.
The charge?
A. Receiving swollen goods.

Q. What did Bill say to Al Gore when passing him in the hall?
A. “Pardon Me!”

Q. What is Monica’s favorite make of condom?
A. Presidents Choice.

Q. What are the two differences between Harding and the
current boss at the White House?
A. An extra “d” and a space preceding it.

Q. If Al was a tree what classification variety would he be?
A. He would be a pinus. With the holiday season just around the
corner, someone may just cut the dead wood down.

Q. Did you hear the Clintons are relieved they named their dog
“Buddy”?
A. They’re glad they don’t have to run around the White House
yelling “Come Spot!!!”

Q. What’s the best way to circumcise Bill Clinton?
A. Kick Monica in the jaw.

Q. How are the networks promoting the Clinton Testimony tape?
A. Lust-See TV

Q. What is Clinton’s best asset?
A. His `lie’ ability.

Q. What fraternity did Clinton join at collage?
A. I Phelta Thi.

Q. What do Monica and Lucille Ball have in common?
A. Both love a little cuban.

Q. What similarity is there between Monica Lewinsky’s groin and Cuba?
A. They’re both excellent tobacco regions.

Q. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky?
A. Can I be “blunt” with you?

Q. Did you hear about the new soap opera?
A. Its called As the Cigar Turns.

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky has joined the
Republican Party?
A. The Democratic Party left a bad taste in her mouth……

Q. Why did Monica get promoted?
A. She was a great ass kisser.
A2. She was an up and cumming talent.

Q. Whats the new White House Slogan?
A. Licks are Forbids.

Q. What’s the difference between Nike and Clinton?
A. Nike’s slogan is “Just Do It.” Clinton’s is “Just Do Me.”

Q. What’s President Clinton’s favorite cartoon?
A. Inspector Gadget.

Q. What do Clinton have in common with Road Kill?
A. No one wants to admit they are interested, but everyone
takes the time to look at all the gory details.

Q. What is the sub title to the Starr Report?
A. The President has No Clothes.

Q. What are all the Clinton Ex-Cabinet Member thinking?
A. I got out Just in time!

Q. What do Monica Lewinsky and the Big Bad Wolf have in common?
A. Both are good at Blowing houses down.

Knock, knock, knocking on Clinton’s door.
Who’s there?
100 Senators and 435 Representatives.
Tell ‘em I’m busy in my study, but if they’ll wait, cigars
for everybody.

Q. What’s the difference between John F. Kennedy and Bill Clinton?
A. One had his head blown off. The other was assassinated.

Q. How is Monica Lewinsky on a first date like Mark McGuire
right after he hit his 62nd home run?
A. They both get so excited that they skip right past first base.

Q. What do Bill Clinton and Mark McGwire have in common?
A. They’re both making front-page news with their whacker.
A2. Its all about getting good wood on it.

Q. What do Monica and Bill have in common?
A. They both SUCK!

Q. What does Clinton like do after Church?
A. Shoot the breeze with an intern.

Q. What does Bill Clinton’s favorite holiday?
A. Easter Service.

Q. Why did Clinton go to Orlando?
A. He wanted to visit Fantasy Land

Q. When Chelsea was in Girl Scouts, it was mom Hillary that
helped with selling the cookies. Why not dad?
A. Because they caught him nibbling on the Brownies

Q. Why did Bill Clinton become a man of the cloth?
A. The move seemed natural after everyone began to picture
him a rector.

Q. Why did Bill quit eating garlic?
A. Monica claims “The hole thing left a bad taste in my mouth”.

Q. What’s the difference between Monica and a mosquito?
A. When you smack a mosquito it stops sucking.

Q. Why doesn’t Monica need money?
A. She has a wad of Bill’s.

Q. Why is there a hole in the end of Bill Clinton’s penis?
A. So he can think with an open mind.

Q. What the difference between Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin?
A. One is worried about looter out on the Street,
the other is worried about hooters to easy to reach.

Q. Why does Hillary get up at 6:A.M.?
A. She wants to be the First Lady!

Q. What does NASCAR and Monica’s dress have in common?
A. Dick Trickle

Q. What do Snap, Crackle, Pop and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
A. They all talk after being hit with a white liquid.

Q. What do Clinton and an unemployed actor have in common?
A. They don’t have any character.

Q. What does Clinton and the Mir Space Station have in common?
A. They both have been up longer than anyone expected and they
both have a major debacle every few months.

Q. What has seen more action than Arnold Schwartzineger?
A1. The carpet in the Oval Office.
A2. A seat in the White House theater.

Q. Which song did Hillary get Michael Jackson to sing for
Bill on his recent 52nd birthday?
A. “Beat It”.

Q. How did Bill’s semen get on Monica’s dress?
A. Everyone knows Jewish girls don’t swallow!

Q. Clinton was watching the Miss Teen USA Pageant on TV
the other night……..what did he think he was watching?
A. The Home Shopping Network!

Q. What do Clinton and an Iceberg have in common?
A. You can never tell what they are hiding beneath the
surface.

Q. What did Monica Lawyer’s say right before she testified?
A. Don’t Blow It

Q. What did the Congressional Democrats say about Clinton’s
Speech?
A. Nothing until they check the polls.

Q. What do monica and a hurricane have in common?
A. Both blow hard and leave a mess afterwards.

Q. What is Hillary’s favorite river?
A. De’Nile

Q. Who Clinton’s favorite sci-fi character?
A. Hand Solo

Q. Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton OS?
A. It goes down all the time, won’t clarify the error, but
blames misinstalled Starr Software instead, and won’t admit
to the damage caused to the system.

Q. OJ Simpson’s advice to Congress regarding impeachment?
A. If the Dress is a Mess, He Must Confess.

Q. What’s Bill Clinton’s C.B. Handle?
A. Haywood Jablowme.

Q. Why doesn’t Bill pay retail price?
A. He prefers to dicker.

Q. Why is Bill Clinton’s favorite White House room the Blue
Room?
A. You can’t corner anyone in the oval office.

Q. What’s the difference between the Clinton White House
and a brothel?
A. You have to pay for sex in a brothel.

Q. Why did Clinton claim that he never completed a sex act
with Monica Lewinsky?
A. Because whenever she put on her presidential kneepads,
Geraldo pushed her out of the way.

Q. What did Clinton say when asked about the situation
with Rwanda?
A. He denied ever having met her.

Q. Why did Clinton decide to go to Africa?
A. He got the idea thumbing through some of his old
National Geographics.

Q. What did Clinton say as he was looking out at the
crowd of 500,000 in Africa?
A.Hey, who’s the blonde chick?

Q. What did Clinton tell his secretary prior to leaving
for Africa?
A. “Get me a lot of singles, I’m going to bush country!”

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ghana.
Ghana who?
Ghana get me some women!

Q. How did Clinton create 14 million new jobs?
A. 13 million of them are comedians

Q. Know why oil stocks are so weak?
A. Major drilling in White House.

Q. What’s Clinton’s Economic forecast?
A. A “Bare” Market

Q. What are the most important issues Clinton has brought
to the nations attention?
A1. Sexual Harassment
A2. Campaign Finance Reform
A3. Law Enforcement

Q. Did you hear that Clinton won an Oscar?
A. He won for Most Dramatic Score.

Q.Why is Bill so excited about bombing Iraq?
A. Because it involves attacking a-broad.

Q. What is Monica’s Favorite Song?
A. Devil with a Blue Dress

Q. Where did Monica get that dress anyway?
A. Bill was looking for her birthday gift and the dress
was the first thing he come across!

Q. Who were Monica’s two best friends while she was at
the White House?
A. Neil and Bob

Q. What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
A. Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the
Presidency!

Q. What was Bill’s admonition to Kathleen Willey?
A. Loose lips sink ships of state!

The U.S. Government has announced three new bonds for 1999:

1. The Bill Bond, without principle.
2. The Monica Bond, without maturity.
3. The Hillary Bond, without interest.

Saddam Hussein called President Clinton and said: “Bill, I
called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I
could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of
every building, there was a flag.”

Clinton asked, “Saddam, what was on the flag?”
Saddam responded, “It said Allah is God, God is Allah.”

Clinton said: “You know, Saddam, I’m really glad you called,
because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad,
and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been
completely rebuilt, and on every building there was a flag.”

Saddam said: “Bill, what was on the flag?”
Clinton replied: “I really don’t know, Saddam… I don’t read
Hebrew.”

Clinton recently visited Saddam Hussein to talk about weapon
inspections in Iraq. As they sat down, he saw three buttons in
the armrest of Saddam’s chair. Clinton asked, “Why are there
three buttons in your armrest?” “You’ll see,” replied Saddam.

They started the talks but, after about ten minutes, Saddam
pressed the first button, and a large boxing glove whacked
Clinton right in the face. Clinton grabed his nose in pain
while Saddam was laughing himself silly. Clinton decided to
remain calm because he didn’t want this to affect the talks.

After about another ten minutes, Saddam pressed the second
button, and another boxing glove punched Clinton right in
the stomach. While Clinton was gasping for air, Saddam fell
out of his chair laughing. Clinton was obviously annoyed, but
still he decided to remain outwardly calm.

They resumed talking again but, after about another five minutes,
Saddam pressed the final button, and from under the table yet
another boxing glove hit Clinton, this time right in the groin.
Clinton was really fed up at that point, and stood up to leave.
‘We’ll continue these talks next week in the White House,” the
President said as he stormed out of the palace. Saddam, still
choking from laughing, was too proud to say no, so the appointment
stood as scheduled for the next week.

So, a week later, Clinton received Saddam in the Oval Office and,
as Saddam sat down, he saw three buttons in the armrest of Clinton’s
chair. As the meeting went on, Saddam watched as Clinton pressed the
first button, so he ducked real fast, but nothing seemed to happen.
This didn’t stop Clinton from laughing… and really loudly, too.

After that, Clinton continued where he left off, until he pressed
another button. Saddam again reacted really quickly, and jumps up
out of his chair this time. Again, absolutely nothing happened, and
this time Clinton actually fell out of his chair laughing. Saddam
didn’t get it.. what the heck was going on? But, since he hadn’t
been harmed yet, he sits back down again to talk further.

After a few more minutes, Clinton pressed the final button. This
time, Saddam stayed in his seat, but Clinton didn’t. He was
rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Saddam was really
annoyed by that point, so he stood up from his hair and shouted:
“I’ve had enough of this, I’m going back to Baghdad.”

Clinton rolled over on the floor, still roaring with laughter,
and with tears streaming down his face said, “Baghdad? What
Baghdad?”

A long time ago, Julius Caesar declared, “Veni, vidi, vici.”
“I came, I saw, I conquered.” His words echoed throughout two
millenia. Until one day…

Monica Lewinsky gushed, “Orgasmus, slidici, incontinare.” “He
came, I slipped, it dribbled.”

Linda Tripp hissed, “Verboso, memorex, serpentus.” “She told,
I taped, I blabbed.”

Kenneth Starr cheered, “Gerministi! Homonisti! Felonisti!”
“It matched! It’s HIS! I GOT him!”

And Bill Clinton sobbed, “Perjuratum, erratis, manuro”. “I
lied - I mean - I didn’t.”

The moral of the story? Decorum est, domus phalluso domini.
“It is only fitting that the master be ruled by his master.”

Clinton Easter Egg
If you have Microsoft Word-
Upon bootup of WORD and on the blank page..
Type the following.

I’d like Bill Clinton to resign.

Highlight the sentence. [sweep it with your mouse, with left
button depressed.]

Then strike Shift and F7 together.

You will get the message under synonyms.

The White House reports that its Internet site is back up today
after an outage yesterday. Some Internet users reported receiving
the following error message from the site:

**BRANCH TO ALTERNATE ENTRY POINT IN **TYPE intern NOT ALLOWED

**LINKAGE TRACED TO ADDRESS

**MEMORY FAULT IN ..main..

Technicians say the problem has been fixed several times before
but that it keeps recurring.

Scary thoughts:

1) Al Gore is just one orgasm away from the presidency.
2) Kind of makes you wince when you think about how Janet Reno
got her job.

A recent poll of 2000 women asked the question: Would you
sleep with Bill Clinton?

94% responded “Never again”

The Postmaster General announced the release of a new stamp for
the month of February.
It’s a Monica Lewinsky stamp.
You don’t have to lick it, it licks you.

Well, it’s Official…

The Norwegian Parliament has nominated Clinton for the Nobel prize.
This makes him the first person up for both the Penthouse Love Prize
and the Nobel Peace Prize in the same year.

Ken Starr: “Mr. President, so you’re saying that Ms. Lewinsky
raped you?” Clinton: “Yes, sir. She asked me if I was allergic
to oral sex and I said, ‘No, just SUBPOENAS.’” Starr: “And
then she started SUCKING PENIS?”

Why did Clinton get Buddy?

So Hilary would not be surprised when she passed the Oval
Office and heard,
“Lie Down, Roll Over, Beg, Now Fetch the Bone.”

The first pets had a major fight recently, and the
President had to pull Buddy the dog off Socks the
cat…

As Gennifer Flowers might say: “Buddy- just like
his owner- eats pussy like a champ.”

Nixon (responding to the press’ charges concerning
his unethical administration): “I am not a crook!”
Clinton (responding to Paula Jones’ charges concerning
his unusual appendage): “I am not crooked!”

There was an old creep called Slick Willy
Whose deportment was sometimes quite silly
With a wink of his eye
As he zipped down his fly
He’d pork the mouth of some filly

A philandering pres named Bill,
Was married to a lawyer named “Hill”,
He played on the side,
And repeatedly lied,
‘Cuz his female intern said “I will”

They say a Lewinsky named Monica
Played the blues on Big Bubba’s harmonica.
Though the tunes that she blew
May not all be true,
She’ll be jailed for contempt by next Hanukkah.

A cabaret singer named Flowers
Arrogated the Governor’s powers.
The affair, once denied,
Is now trumpeted wide
And plays on the TV for hours.

In response to the media hysteria over allegations
regarding Clinton’s personal life, the President has
called in all his old, trusted friends and supporters.
When Harold Ickes, Dick Morris, and a few others showed
up, the President asked his staff:
“Where’s everybody else?”
One of his advisers replied:
“They’re all in prison, sir!”

Clinton-Gate
All this talk lately about what to call Clinton’s
latest escapade. Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate,
… not to mention all the other scandals he’s been
accused of participating in.
Perhaps it’s time to just lump them all together as
a set — the “Bill-gates”.
No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the
president is accused of using his power and prestige
to screw lots of people where as the head of Microsoft
is being accused of.. um… Oh never mind.

Latest news is Lewinsky is out of money.
She blew Her Boss…
She Blew Her Job…
Now She’s Blown Her Money…
This Broad Just don’t quit…..
AND…… I BET SHE THINKS LIFE……SUCKS..

A Capitol policeman recognizes Monica and pulls her
over in the White House parking lot LATE one evening.
He walks to the side of her car door and says, “While
visiting on the premises, we must ascertain you are
not impaired in any way for Capitol grounds safety.”
And, quickly glancing around, he commences to unzip
his trousers on the spot. Somewhat irritated, Monica
moans, and then sighs: NOT the BREATHALIZER again!

Monica and Bill are alone in the President’s private
study off the Oval Office. Monica is trying to tell Bill
how much she loves him and how she would do anything for
him. Bill interrupts her by saying, “Uh, Monica, please
don’t talk with your mouth full.

Hiliary Clinton spots the Whitewater Special Prosecutor,
Kenneth Starr, having a drink at a Washington social function.
The First Lady lashes out “You are such a mean man. If I were
your wife, I’d poison your drink!”
Kenneth Starr smiles. “Madam, if you were my wife I’d drink it!”

Bill Clinton was at home, sitting down flicking the
channels over when he sees the Miss Universe contest
on and starts to watch it. Then the phone rings suddenly.
“Hello” Bill says. A husky female voice breathes into
the receiver. “I’ve always wanted to listen to your voice
while masturbating, Mr. President” The voice purrs down
the phone. Bill looks shocked and says, “That’s amazing,
how did you know I was masturbating!”

Bill Clinton’s in the Lincoln bedroom engaged in some
heavy foreplay with Monica, when he decides that it’s
time to finish the deed. As he’s doing so, Monica lets
out a cry of discomfort. “What’s the matter, honey?”
Asks the President. “I’m still a virgin, and it hurts!”
was the reply. Bill responds, “I feel your pain!”

Bill Clinton is sitting next to a 19 year old White
House intern one day at a gathering.
The president says to her, “Would you like to come to
the Oval Office and see my clock?”
She says, “No, Mr. President, I don’t think so.”
The President replies, “Please. I’d really like to show
it to you.”
“No, Mr. President, I really can’t.”
“Come on. Come and see my clock. It’ll only take a minute.”
“All right. If it won’t take long.”
They go to the Oval Office. The president sits down,
unzips his pants, and pulls out his dick.
The intern says, “That’s not a clock, it’s a cock.”
To which the president says, “You put two hands and a
face on it, it’s a clock.”

Two people sitting at a lunch counter:
“If President Clinton wants to raise money by placing
’sin’ taxes on tobacco and alcohol, why doesn’t he
place one on condoms?”
“Because the President has never had a smoking or
drinking problem.”

The Clintons bought a new parrot. The unfortunate thing
is, this parrot used to live in a whore house. One
evening the Clinton family, Chelsea included, arrived
at the White house. First Hillary walked in and the
Parrot squawked “Too old, too old” Then Chelsea walked
through the door and the parrot then squawked, “too
young, too young”
Then Bill walked through the door and the parrot
squawked, “Hi Bill.”

Bill Clinton’s on the phone in the oval office,
“…so get down here Monica, I need you right away.”
A few minutes later, Monica rushes in, the president
gets up, goes over to Monica and starts fondling her
breasts. “Sir!” Monica exclaims, in shock, “I thought
you called me in here because you were about to have
a Summit Meeting…” “That is correct, Monica,” says
the president, “and that is precisely why I need to
‘borrow’ your summits!”

Sitted in a circle around were Dick Gephardt, Al Gore,
and Bill Clinton. The moderator was asking questions
to each of them.
The moderator asked Gephardt “What do you call a nut
attached to a wall?”
Gephardt answered: “That’s easy, a walnut.”
Then the moderator asked Gore “What do you call nuts on
your chest?”
Gore answered unsurely: “Chestnuts?”
The moderator replied “Correct. President Clinton, what
do you call nuts on your chin?”
Clinton (eyes glazed): “A hell of a blowjob.”

Mis-Quotes
Here are a few quotes on the recent debacle, Through my
special mind powers, I have added what the people were
actually thinking in ()…

‘You had no sexual relationship with this young woman?’
Clinton replied, ‘There is not a sexual relationship,
an improper sexual relationship, or any other improper
relationship. (It is just sex, no relationship.)’

‘He has made it clear he wants people to tell the truth
in all these matters, (Its just WHEN he is going to tell
the truth that matters…)’ McCurry said

Bennett said, ‘I know nothing about that, (I see no evil,
hear no evil, speak no evil) before I comment on it I want
to investigate. (I have to talk to Bill and get the story
straight) What I do know is that he adamantly denies it
(Deny everything first, apologize for it later) , and she
under oath denies it.(Its a good thing we paid her off when
we did)’

Reported in USA Today, Giles also said Ms. Lewinsky told
the Bleilers when she left for her Washington internship
in June 1995: “I’m going to the White House to get my
presidential knee pads. (I just hate those Oval Office rug
burns)”

“We know everything there is to know about each other (I
already have hread the tapes) and we understand and accept
and love each other, (I am not giving up the Presidency)”
Hillary said in NBC Today Interview.

“History, with all of its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived.
But, if faced with courage, need not be lived again.”
By Maya Angelou in poem delivered at Presidient Clinton’s
first inauguration. (Apparently he wasn’t listening!)

The reason it’s always so difficult for this president to tell the
truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it’s
usually three different stories.

–Sam Donaldson
If the president could convince every woman in America that the Bible
says oral sex is not adultery, he’d even have my vote.

–Newt Gingrich
The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the
entire Grand Jury.

–Monica Lewinsky
What’s wrong with extending my probe? The president did the same thing.

–Kenneth Starr
The president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to
find the real person who had oral sex with the intern.

–OJ Simpson
Shouldn’t the president be held to the same standards as a TV
sportscaster?

–Marv Albert
If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who
swore she didn’t have sex with the president, I’d never get any of
my own work done.

–Vernon Jordan
The president should take up skiing.

–Al Gore
Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the
door is locked.

–George Stephanopoulos
If you’re looking for me this week, I’ll be in the bunker.

–Saddam Hussein
In last week’s Cabinet meeting, the president asked us to go out and
win one for the zipper.

–Madeliene “Aunt Bea” Albright
Just Coincidence

Did you hear Clinton doesn’t use bookmarks?
He just bends over the pages!

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
I’ll be home in twenty minutes

Seen on an Arkansas Car Bumper
“Honk, if you haven’t had sex with Bill Clinton”

What’s the recipe for Clinton stew?
A small weenie in hot water.

What do Monica and Bill Clinton have most in common?
They’re both going down.

Bill Clinton is a life member of Weight Watchers
He is thoroughly convinced that “Eating isn’t cheating anymore”.

What did Ms. Lewinsky allegedly say when offered a position at the
the U.N?
Would that, then, be a “missionary position?”

During Nixon’s administration we had a crisis involving “Tricky
Dicky”
Now we have a crisis involving “Licky Dicky”

Clinton Presidential Anthem — Kneel to the Chief Who’s handling
the case? “Internal Affairs

Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with
Monica Lewinsky?
Pres: Improper? … Ain’t nothing improper about that. That was one
of the the sweetest interns I’ve ever had.

What’s the difference between Watergate and Zippergate
At least this time, there’s no doubt about the identity of
“Deep Throat.”

How did Bill reply regarding questions of “coaching” Monica’s
testimony?
“It wasn’t words that I put in her mouth”.

Why is Chelsea upset about Zippergate?
Her dad is getting more dates than she is.

Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work on the White House
staff?
She didn’t understand know what STAFF he really meant.

What is Revlon calling it’s new Presidential winter line for 1998?
Shades of the truth

Why is President Clinton waiting to tell his side of the story?
He’s waiting for Marv Albert to do the interview.

Who’s going to score first in the Super Bowl? The Denver Broncos or
the Green Bay Packers?
Bill Clinton

What is Clinton’s new Secret Service Code Name?
Unibanger

What’s the difference between Gennifer, Paula, Monica & Hillary?
The first three prefer to sleep with men.

How does Hillary feel?
She may be the FIRST LADY, but she won’t be the LAST crisis.

What advice did Yasar Arafat give President Clinton in their
meeting on January 22, 1998?
“Bill….Goats don’t talk!!”

President Clinton said to Monica, “I didn’t tell you to lie in
deposition…I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!”

What’s the actual title of Hillary’s book?
“It Takes a Village . . . to Satisfy my Husband”

Realization of from another White House intern And all that time
I thought that humming was the shredder!

How did Clinton exercise his position as Commander-in-Chief?
By barking out orders . . . like “Get Under the Desk!”

Don’t feel sorry for Monica… She’ll be back “on her knees” in
no time!

Why does Clinton think he’s innocent Because he didn’t inhale the
intern!

Bill wasted all that energy running for President. He thought
they said the “Oral” Office

Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks? She’s withholding
evidence.

What does Bill tell Hillary after sex?
Nothing, she hears about it on the evening news!

What’s the difference between Monica Lewinsky and
the rest of us?
When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote.

Did you know Monica has a hearing problem?
All Bill really said was, “hold my calls and sack the cook.”

What’s Monica going to title her memoirs?
“How to suckseed in the Oval Office without really trying!”

Monica wouldn’t have soiled her dress if she would have just kept
her mouth shut.

What’s the difference between Clinton and a screw driver?
A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns.

Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
Because she’s tired of his balls hitting her in the face.

Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica’s appearance.
“She’s got the whitest teeth I’ve ever cum across!”

What’s Bill’s new pick up line?
“Would you be interested in a position under the president?”

What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

In a survey of over 500 women, when asked if they would make love
to the president, 83 percent of them responded; “Never again.”

The Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky recently
went to a plastic surgeon. Stung by all the jokes
about being overweight, she was thinking about having her love
handles removed. However, she decided not to go through
with it after the doctor told her that removing both ears would
cause complete and total deafness.