Bill Clinton and his chauffeur were out driving in the country
and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on
a country road. Clinton told the chauffeur to drive up to the
farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on
the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed
like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Bill was confused about
why his driver had been in there so long.

“Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer,
then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered
me with kisses,” explained the driver.

“What did you tell the farmer?” Bill asked.

The chauffeur replied, “I told him I was President Clinton’s driver
and I’d just killed the pig.”

“My fellow citizens” = “Suckers”

“I didn’t inhale” = “I think you’re all idiots”

“goals” = “lies”

“broad-based contributions” = “taxes”

“investing in our infrastructure” = “pork-barrel spending”

“spending cuts” = “decimating the military”

“jobs program” = “military base lay-offs”

“Vietnam” = “where?”

“Attorney General” = “the first semi-qualified woman I could find
without a criminal record”

“God bless America” = “God help us, ’cause I don’t have a clue”

Acute - opposite of an ugly

Artery - the study of paintings

Bacteria - back door of a cafeteria

Barium - what doctors do to patients

Benign - what you are after you’re 8.

Bowel - letter like A,E,I,O, or U

Cat Scan - searching for a kitty

Cauterize - made eye contact with her

Cesarean Section - neighborhood in Rome

Colic - a sheep dog

Concussion - a prisoner’s sofa

Congenital - to be friendly

D & C - where the White House is

Dilate - to live too long

Enema - not a friend

Fester - quicker

Fibula - a small lie

Genital - not a Jew

GI series - a soldier ball game

Hangnail - a coat hook

Hospital - a prostitute ejecting saliva

Impotent - distinguished, well known

Jaundice - to include in a group

Kinesthetics - relationships among relatives

Labor Pain - getting hurt at work

Leper - a wild cat

Malaria - shopping place

Medical Staff - a doctor’s cane

Morbid - a higher bid

Nitrates - cheaper than day rates

Node - was aware of

Outpatient - a person who fainted

Pap Smear - a fatherhood test

Pelvis - a cousin of Elvis

Post-operative - a letter carrier

Prostate - flat on your back

Recovery Room - a place used for upholstery work.

Rectum - dang near killed ‘em

Rheumatic - amorous

Secretion - hiding something

Seizure - a Roman emperor

Serology - study of English Knighthood

Tablet - a small table

Terminal Illness………getting sick at the airport

Tumor - more than one

Urinate - two steps short of a perfect “10″.

Urine - opposite of you’re out

Varicose - nearby

Vein - conceited

(To the tune of “The Brady Bunch”)

Here’s the story,
of a First Lady,
who was fighting off three very naughty girls.
All of them have had her man, like the others,
the youngest one… oral.

It’s the story, of a man Slick Willie,
who was busy with three sharks of his own.
They were four men, dodging each other,
over a land deal blown.

Till the one day when Lewinsky met this fellow
and they lied about the times he was her lunch.
Then this group, it somehow became scandle.
That’s the way they all became The Shady Bunch.

The Shady Bunch…….
The Shady Bunch…….
That’s the way… they became… The Shady Bunch!

Changes At The White House Since The Clinton’s Got A Puppy
———————————————————-

*Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no longer
automatically implicate the President.

*New “doggy door” makes it that much easier to sneak out for a
midnight run to McDonald’s.

*At long last, Bill won’t have to flinch *every* time he hears
“Bad boy.”

*President no longer the only one accused of burying his bone in
someone else’s yard.

*Even more silly photo opportunities for the President on the
White House lawn.

*New, unwelcome presents under the Christmas tree.

*Obviously miffed Socks slips Kenneth Starr a note reading “Bil
luvs Monika!”

*Shouts of “Come!” from Lincoln bedroom no longer make Hillary
suspicious.

*Chelsea now has to share her room with more popular sibling when
she comes home from school.

*Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore’s daily to-do list.

*Roger Clinton no longer is the only one to piddle in the Rose Garden.

*Cries of “What a dog!” no longer make Janet Reno burst into tears
at State dinners.

*To the embarrassment of the trainers, dog still unable to tell Al
Gore from a tree.

*”Get that horny fur ball off my leg!” no longer refers exclusively
to the President.

Monica Lewinsky, said in a statement released in response to
President Clinton’s testimony said:
“I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter
taste in my mouth, and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if
I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a
head and blown up in my face.
This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that
is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past,
and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only
way I know how: head-on. I have licked bigger things than this
before, and I will again.
No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a
finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work
nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of
this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. Thank you.”

Now that Monica is ready to move on with her life, she has
now put together a new resume so she can go out hunting for
a job. Unfortunately, she never expected that her resume
would be held against her as evidence.
The federal attorneys disclosed to the courts an unprecedented
fact-finding case mounted against the nation’s President. Much
of the evidence was trivial compared to the notorious dress
which Monica Lewinsky wore that contemptuous evening. However,
this wasn’t the only controversial evidence brought forth in
this case. Another was Miss Lewinsky’s resume.
Among her stately objectives, education, and hobbies, Monica’s
EXPERIENCE was quite impressive! It read, “Worked Presidential
Balls.”

“Starr I Are”

A newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss

I’m here to ask
As you’ll soon see –
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?

Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that
Here or there–
I did not do that
Anywhere!

I did not do that
Near or far –
I did not do that
Starr-You-Are.

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?

And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?

I do not like you
Starr-You-Are –
I think that you
Have gone too far.

I will not answer
Any more –
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!

The public’s easy
To distract –
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after
an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

“You’ll be fine,” he said.

She asked, “how long will it be before I am able to have a
normal sex life again doctor?”

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”

He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It’s just
that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils
out.

One day Clinton is going to give a speech at an Elementary school.
He asks the teacher what the children are studying and she replies
that they are learning about Greek tragedies. So the President
decides to talk about Tragedies.

He asks a student, “What would you consider to be a tragedy?”
The kid thinks for awhile and then says, ” If a boy is running
after a ball into a street and gets run over by a car and dies.”
Clinton responds, “No, I don’t think that’s a tragedy… that’s
an accident.”

Then Clinton asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.
The kid says, “If a bus full of kids drives over a cliff and
they all die.” This time Clinton says, “I don’t think that’s a
tragedy… I think that’s a great loss.”

So again Clinton asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.
The kid responds, “If you, Hillary, and Al Gore are on Air Force
One and it crashes.”

“Right!” says Clinton to the kid. “That would be a tragedy… how
did you ever know that?”

Quickly, the kid replies, ” Because I know it’s not an accident
and I know it’s not a great loss.”