Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. How do you breathe through that thing?

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, “Quite right, old bean!” 2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector. 3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points. 4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook. 5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond “that’s my name, don’t wear it out!” 6. Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute”. 7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow. 8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder. 9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch. 11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook. 12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units. 13. Sing your questions. 14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme. 15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream “THAT’S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry.” 16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O’Reilly. 17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you’ve done so. 19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY”. 20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken. 21. Stare continually at the professor’s crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.22. Address the professor as “your excellency”. 23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been drinking. 24. Shout “WOW!” after every sentence of the lecture. 25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face. 26. Ask whether you have to come to class. 27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket. 28. Bring a “seeing eye rooster” to class. 29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become aggitated when the professor can’t understand you. 30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers. 31. Watch the professor through binoculars. 32. Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall. 33. Ask to introduce your “invisible friend” in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout. 34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!” 35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent. 36. Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering. 37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor’s reply and proceed to do so anyway. 38. Claim that you wrote the class text book. 39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream “IMPOSTER!” 40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students. 41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Signup Sheet #5″ at the top, and start passing it around the room. 42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers. 43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for “stud”. 44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, “Can you spell that?” 45. Disassemble your pen. “Accidently” propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat. 46. Wink at the professor every few minutes. 47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts. 48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh. 49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell. 50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can’t see Macedonia.

1. If someone calls while you are on the phone, do not answer the call waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend’s, cousin’s, sister’s, ex-best friend’s, father-in-law’s, stepson is probably too important to be interrupted. 2. Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of paper.a. you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to the pad of paper which requires that you write down a name and check off a few boxesb. but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and are aware that if you tell the party on the phone that he/she will be called back at the callee’s first free moment, the callee will telepathically be aware of this3. Don’t buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse other roommate?s items until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy a new one (case example: the spatula).4. Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes wherever you please, certainly one of your roommates has taken classes in house-cleaning 101 and will clean up after you. Just because you are big enough to make a mess shouldn’t obligate you to be big enough to clean it up.5. If you wake up at 6:45 am and need to take a shower, be sure to lock the bathroom door! Your roommates should be able and considerate enough to drive to the nearest gas station to use the toilet. Also, make sure that you take a 40 minute shower–it really stinks when a roommate leaves for work early and you have to take the bus.6. Leave all electrical appliances, especially the lights on at all times–we are paying for the apartment, and there is no need to conserve energy–let other less important people do that.7. If you need to use the phone late at night and it is in your roommate?s room, be sure to wake them up when you go to remove it. It’s important that they know you are going to make a phone call to your dog!8. Make sure that when you answer the phone you are as rude as possible to whoever is calling so that they won’t call back and bother you again–how dare they interrupt whatever it is that you are not doing!9. Never, ever, ever, ever empty the trash–if your roommate won’t do it, just let the apartment stink. You were not born a garbage man, so why lower yourself to that level especially when you are a princess?10. If your roommate has a car and drives to work, feel free to ride with her, but don’t bother to offer her any money for gas. This is the 90’s and gas is free for all Summer Interns.11. Make sure that you leave as much hair as possible on the bathroom sinks and in the shower. Don’t clean out your brush over the trash can, of course your roommates want to look at pieces of your broken hair each and every time they go to the bathroom.12. Don’t ever throw out any of your food that may be moldy because it was buried behind all the stuff that is piled in the refrigerator. Mold is a beautiful thing and everyone likes to watch it develop through its stages.13. Feel free to eat any food that is located in the kitchen. Whether it is in your cabinet or not, it is free for the taking. Even if it?s not open, your roommates shop for the entire apartment, not themselves. Oh, and if your roommate questions you about missing food, pretend you know nothing about it–you can always blame it on the cookie monster.14. If one of your roommates has fish, and she doesn’t ask you to feed them when she leaves town–then don’t bother wasting your time feeding them. They’re only fish, and they probably won’t need to eat anyway.15. If you feel like listening to some music and you don’t have a cd player or stereo, simply remove your roommate’s from her room. She won’t mind if you leave it, or any of her cd’s, on the floor. After all, if it is not yours, why should you have to put it away??!!??16. Make some soup whenever you want, and be sure to leave it in your roommates pot in the refrigerator for a week or two, if need be. She probably doesn’t want to use her pot anyway.17. If your roommate buys a 12 pack of chicken legs and you feel like cooking for someone else–you should definitely take your roommates chicken and cook it. Oh, and be sure that you tell the dinner guest that it is your food.18. If a neighbor (of course a friendly one) comes over and wants some spaghetti sauce and you don’t have any to give them, feel free to go into a roommates cabinet and give away theirs. They can always go to the grocery store and buy some more for themselves. Oh, and don’t tell them that you’ve given it away either until the ever so friendly neighbor brings back a few drops of it and thanks you for giving it to them.19. If your roommate is kind enough to take you to New York with her because she knows that you have never been there, be sure to do the following:a. insult your roommate’s friend who shows the 2 of you around the cityb. don’t say thank you for anything and act as bored as possiblec. be sure to tell everyone you see when you get back what a rotten time that you.