At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, ?I know the whole truth

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won’t buy a car if it can’t go over 100 miles an hour.

Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don’t know half the words in the “Star Spangled Banner”.

We’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.

We’re the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

We’re supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can’t deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

The ballad of Y2K
(sing to the tune of “Gilligan’s Island”)

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date

RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
“Four digits are extravagant,
So let’s get by with two.
So let’s get by with two.”

“This works through 1999,”
The programmers did say.
“Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away.”

But management had not a clue;
“It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We won’t do it just yet.
We won’t do it just yet.”

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.

The mail won’t bring your pension check;
It won’t be sent to you
When you’re no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we’re about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code’s
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure

[[ key change, the big finish coming]]
There’s not much time, there’s too much code,
And COBOL-coders, few.
When the century is finished,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Strange Smell__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you had “a friend” who “Knows all about computers” try to fix
it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If ‘Yes’ then explain why you can’t fix the problem yourself.
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred?
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________

l8. If you answered ‘nothing’ then explain why you were logged in?
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________

l9. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What’s a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of ‘PCs for Dummies’? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__

A tech writer dies and arrives in Hell, where Satan
growls, “I gotta escort these other sinners into the
pit, lady. Take a seat and wait a minute!”

Terrified, the tech writer peeks behind a door and sees
a tech writer agonizingly formatting 12 million lines of
documentation on a flaming IBM XT computer.

Aghast, she peeks behind a second door and sees a tech
writer writing 23 million manuals on a mountain of screen
captures written by a shrill, egomaniacal programmer who
shrieks at every line.

In despair, she looks behind a third door and sees another
tech writer like herself, chairing a never-ending meeting,
munching bonbons, surrounded by fresh-faced admiring
engineers offering her gifts of flowers, fresh fruit
and fine wines and telling her she’s a documentation genius.

He returns and asks, “Well, which door, 1 or 2?”

The tech writer says, “I’d like Door 3, please.”

“You can’t have Door 3…That’s Engineer Hell.”

1) A particular model year of car wouldn’t be available until after that
year instead of before it.

2) Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a
new car.

3) Occasionally your car would die for no reason, and you’d have to
restart it. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this.

4) You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought a car 95 or a car NT. But then you’d have to buy more seats.

5) Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
twice as reliable and five times as fast, but it would run on only 5% of
the roads…

6) The oil, gas,engine, and alternator lights would all be replaced with
a single “General Car Fault” warning light.

7) People would get excited about “new” features in Microsoft cars,
forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for
years.

We’d all have to switch to Microsoft gas.

9) The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an auto maker
instead of giving them.

10) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

BILL GATES BUYS A HOUSE

Bill: “There are a few issues we need to discuss.”

Contractor: “Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for
the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. It’s been over 90 days, so,
this’ll cost you $75, okay?”

Bill: “Uh, yeah… the first issue is the living room. We think it’s a
little smaller than we anticipated.”

Contractor: “Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the
release date.”

Bill: “Well, we won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there.”

Contractor: “Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger
living room; or you can use a stacker.”

Bill: “A stacker?”

Contractor: “Yeah, it allows you to fit around twice as much furniture
into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment
center on the couch… the chairs on the table… etc. You leave an
empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what
you need and then put it back when you’re done.”

Bill: “Mmmmm, I dunno… Well, let’s go on to issue number two: This is
the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won’t
fit. The threads run the wrong way.”

Contractor: “Oh! That’s easy. Those bulbs aren’t plug and play. You’ll
have to upgrade to the new bulbs.”

Bill: “And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular.
How do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.”

Bill: “You’re kidding!?”

Contractor: “Nope. Its the only way.”

Bill: ” Well… I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests
over, someone will flush the toilet and it won’t stop. The water
pressure drops so low that the showers don’t work.”

Contractor: “That’s a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing
to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other
fixtures.”

Bill: “And how do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house,
turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and
then you can get back to work.”

Bill: “That’s the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?”

Contractor: “Hey, nobody’s making you buy it.”

Bill: “And when will this be fixed?”

Contractor: “Oh, in your next house — which will be ready to release
sometime near the end of next year. It was due out this year, but we’ve
had some delays…”

Ctrl, Alt, and Delete
(Author Unknown)

Don’t you wish when life is bad
and things just don’t compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your mate, well they’re just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot

You’d like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start anew,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker’s technical support line for assistance…

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: There’s smoke coming from the power supply on my computer…

Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply…

Customer: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files…

Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it…

Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command…

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician’s efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded…

Technician: I’m sorry. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there’s an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem…

Customer: I knew it!

Technician: Just add the line ‘LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE’ at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes…

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer…

Customer: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking…

Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Customer: MS-DOS 6.22…

Technician: Well, that’s your problem. That version of DOS doesn’t include NOSMOKE. You’ll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out…

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…

Customer: I need a new power supply…

Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply…

Technician: What did he tell you?

Customer: He said my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE…

Top nine reasons computers must be male:They have a lot of data but are still clueless. A better model is always just around the corner. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. It is always necessary to have a backup. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. The lights are on but nobody’s home. Big power surges knock them out for the night. Size does matter