Our Morning Prayer . . .

Our Hard Drive

Which art internal

Volume C by name;

Thy code be clean,

Thy fonts be seen

On screen as they are on paper.

Give us this day our documents,

And lead us not into fragmentation

But deliver us our data.

For thine is the SCSI,

And the EISA, and the NuBus,

Forever and Ever,

Amen.

Real software engineers eat quiche.

Real software engineers don’t read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused.

Real software engineers don’t comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don’t have to.

Real software engineers don’t write applications programs, they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that’s nice. Don’t ask them to write the user interface, though.

If it doesn’t have recursive function calls, real software engineers don’t program in it.

Real software engineers don’t program in assembler. They become queasy at the very thought.

Real software engineers don’t debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn’t necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.

Real software engineers like C’s structured constructs, but they are suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get “close to the machine.”

Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don’t like any sport that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower. (Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days.

Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don’t tell this to their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy.

Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure.

Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies into account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy.

Real software engineers don’t write in ADA, because the standards bodies have not quite decided on a formal spec yet.

Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in PROLOG (they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns out to be difficult to actually RUN these).

Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC. PL/I is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too much built in function.

Real software engineers aren’t too happy about the existence of users, either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the implementation and verification of algorithms is all about.

Real software engineers don’t like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at ALL levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one’s going to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages.

Real software engineers think better while playing WFF ‘N’ PROOF.

One of Microsoft’s finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)

Dear Sir,

I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. “There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,” he announced. “Since I’m the pilot, I get one!” After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

“I’m the world’s greatest athlete,” proclaimed Michael Jordon. “This world needs great athletes, so I must live.” Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

“I’m the smarest man in the world,” bragged Bill Gates. “The world needs smart men, so I must also live!” Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. “I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.”

“You don’t have to stay here! The world’s smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack.”

Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:

1. A Particular model year of car wouldn’t be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a new car.

3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you’d have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.

4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car ‘95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats.

5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it’s that way NOW!

6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single “General Car Fault” warning light.

8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

9. We’d all have to switch to Microsoft Gas ™.

10. Ford, General Motors, and Chrylser would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting radios in all its models.

> What does it take for a man, er, person, to become a Unix Wizard?

Oh, Nobly Born: know that the Way to Wizardhood is long, and winding, and fraught with Peril. Thou must Attune thyself with the Source, attaining the arcane Knowledge and Conversation of the System Libraries and Internals.

> Which bibles should we study? (after memorizing O’Reileys to become
> an X Wizzie?)

Oh, Nobly Born: the O’Reilly books are but the palest shadow, the outermost Portal of the True Enlightenment.

If thou desirest with true desire to tread the Path of Wizardly Wisdom, first learn the elementary postures of Kernighan & Pike’s _The_Unix_Programming_ Environment_; then, absorb the mantic puissance of March Rochkind’s _Advanced_ Unix_Programming_. Immerse thyself, then, in the Pure Light of Maurice J. Bach’s _The_Design_Of_The_UNIX_Operating_System_. Neglect not the Berkelian Way; study also _The_Design_Of_The_4.3BSD_UNIX_Operating System_ by Samuel Leffler, Kirk McKusick et. al. Consider also the dark wisdom to be gained from contemplation of the dread _Portable_C_And_UNIX_Systems_Programming_, e’en though it hath flowed from the pen of the mad and doomed Malvernite whom the world of unknowing Man misnames “J. E. Lapin”.

These tomes shall instruct thy Left Brain in the Nature of the UNIX System; to feed the other half of thy head, oh Nobly Born, embrace also the Lore of its Nurture. Don Libes’s and Sandy Ressler’s _Life_With_UNIX_ will set thy feet unerringly upon that Path; take as thy Travelling Companion the erratic but illuminating compendium called _The_New_Hacker’s_Dictionary_.

(In this wise shalt thou travel the Way of the Camel.)

> How many kernels (and which ones) we need to take apart and
> reassemble?

Oh Nobly Born: this question reveals that indeed thou hast touched upon the Ineffable Truth about UNIX — that thou canst not Plumb its Mysteries by mere Study but must become One with it through Practice. The true Way to the Knowledge of the Source is not the timid and footling way of the Student, but the Divine Foolery of the Hacker. Hack, then; strive against Mighty Problems, have joy in your Striving, and let the Crashes fall where they may (maintaining the while, for the Good of your Karma, a Rigorous Backup Policy).

(In this wise shalt thou travel the Way of the Lion.)

In this day of Boot-Time Autoconfiguration and Dynamically Loadable Device Drivers, reassembling a Kernel is no longer the daunting test and seal of Mastery that it once was. However, writing and verifying your own Device Driver for some piece of Exotic Hardware is still a worthy challenge to thy Budding Guruhood.

> Some doth say that the only way thou shall gain salvation is to
> partake in the (sacrireligios) ceremony of rewriting Unix from
> scratch.

Sacrilegious, oh Nobly Born? Nay! Certainly the Source is the Inmost Mystery of UNIX — but there is a Mystery beyond that Mystery. The Nature of UNIX inhereth not in any one version but in the Design Tradition of which all UNIXes are Evolving Parts.

The Rite of the Rewrite is not the only Path to Mastery, but it is perhaps the highest and most Sacred of all Paths. Few indeed are those who, travelling it, have crossed the dark and yawning Abyss of Implementation to Delivery. Many, yea, many in truth stagnate yet in the Desert of Delay, or linger ever in the ghastly limbo called Perpetual Beta.

> So, oh, mylord, how does a mortal become a Unix Wizard?

Oh Nobly Born: learn, and seek within yourself. Cultivate the cunning of the Serpent and the courage of the Tiger; sup deeply from the Wisdom of those who came before thee. Hack, and hack again; grow, by trial and by error. Post thy best hacks to the Net and gain in Repute thereby. Also, oh Nobly Born, be thou grave and courteous in thy speech; be helpful to those less than thee, quick to ponder and slow to flame.

If thou dost these things faithfully, if thou travellest with high heart and pure intention, soon shall thy callow Newbiehood be shed. By degrees imperceptible to thyself shalt thou gain Power and Wisdom, striving and doing all the while. Gradually shall thy puissance unfold and deepen.

Oh Nobly Born, if thou dost all these things, thy Wizardhood shall surely come upon thee; but not of a sudden, and not until after thy arrogant Mind hath more than half forgotten that such was its aim. For know this — you may not by yourself in Pride claim the Mantle of Wizardry; that way lies only Bogosity without End.

Rather must you Become, and Become, and Become, until Hackers respect your Power, and other Wizards hail you as a Brother in Wisdom, and you wake up and realize that the Mantle hath lain unknown upon your Shoulders since you knew not when.

(In this wise shalt thou travel the Way of the Child.)

> (next question: how does a newbie become a net.personality?)

Oh, Nobly Born: not by trying… –

New flight control computers are being introduced on the next space shuttle flight. Built by IBM, the new processors have been under development for seven years.

Increasingly complex applications have strained the memory capacity of the current processors, so the new models introduce a major change in memory technology: solid state memory, as opposed to the ferrite core memory used to date. The 64kb chips employed make possible a total memory capacity of 1 Megabyte of memory, well above the 608 Kilobytes used to date. The engineers have even figured out how to have more than one program loaded into memory at a time, so that new code will sometimes not have to be loaded from tape every time users switch to a different application.

Naturally the new technology allows maximum performance increases, and the new machines operate at 1.2 Mips, triple the level of the current model. Weight of the CPU unit is reduced by nearly half, down to 64 pounds. Reliability has been increased by a factor of 4, to slightly above that of an entry level home computer, allowing NASA to continue getting by with only 5 way redundancy.

The initial run of 40 processors for shuttle installation will cost only $1,000,000 apiece (not including development costs). It is hoped that once volume production is achieved, an additional 60 units for ground support will be produced at only $500,000 each. It does not appear that the processor will be offered for sale in the civilian workstation market.

Long Live Spinoff!

None of this is made up. It (and worse) is all documented in the 25 February 1991 Electronic Engineering Times.

“Think of the Internet as a highway.”
There it is again. Some clueless fool talking about the “Information Superhighway.” They don’t know didley about the net. It’s nothing like a superhighway. That’s a rotten metaphor.
Suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose the highways were like the net…

A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes. Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. A minimum of 237 on ramps at every intersection.

No signs. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions. Ad hoc traffic laws. Some lanes would vote to make use by a single-occupant- vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for talking on a car phone.

AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking bus with hundreds of ebola victims on board throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the other cars, most of which have been assembled at home from kits. Some are built around 2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Others burn nitrogylcerin and idle at 120.

No license plates. World War II bomber nose art instead. Terrifying paintings of huge teeth or vampire eagles. Bumper mounted machine guns. Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a white phosphorus grenade up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks cruise around with anti-aircraft missile batteries to shoot down the traffic helicopter. Little kids on tricycles with squirtguns filled with hydrochloric acid switch lanes without warning.

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can’t afford.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G4: Apple’s new Macs that make you say, “Gee, it’s four times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago.”

Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, “Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.”

Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.

GUI (pronounced “gooey”): What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Laptop Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.