I have run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I
decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had
something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find
the sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders
on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software,
install hardware part of the control panel… then I got out
all the manuals and went through them.

I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not
equipped with one so I decided to go to the computer store
and see if I could buy one. I wanted to look intelligent and
scholarly, so I wore my math hat.

Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern
looking woman, I gave her the make and model of my computer
and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock. She kind of
scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart with
her…figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I
replied that I tried to be smart with everyone… she said,
rather rudely I thought, that she couldn’t help me and walked
away. Huh, must not have had any in stock.

In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and
model of my computer and asked it they had any sex drives
in stock… He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard
drive, I thought about it for a minute and told him Yeah,
maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed…
he started laughing at me said something about me trying to
kill him… You’re killing me! or something like that, and
walked away. Hmmmm, must be out here too. Must be hard to
keep in stock. I wasn’t trying to kill him…I wasn’t
even hurting him.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I’d just
fallen off the turnip truck… I assured him I’d never been
on a turnip truck, but I’d fallen off the manure wagon a few
times. He mumbled something about that explaining it. She’s
fallen off the wagon, that explains it and walked away
laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like boob under
his breath and walked away… wonder why he only noticed
one? Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores.
Maybe have to order from a catalog or get on the Internet
and search for one.

So that’s where I am now… If any of you have some computer
skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would
appreciate it. Then all I’d have to do is figure out what
to do with it.

Dear Mr. Johnson:
Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have
to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let
me try and explain.
It’s about my son, Billy. He’s always been a good, normal 10-year-old
boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp
for Billy.
We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with
swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire — you know. There
were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music,
military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.
I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It’s where he went last
year. Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his
pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down
right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He’s changed. I can’t explain it. See
for yourself.
These are some of my little Billy’s letters:
Letter # 1
———-
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only
good part. We’re learning how to program. Late at night is the best
time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 2
————-
Dear Mom, Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the
night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. By the way, can you
make Szechwan food? I’m getting used to it now. Gotta go, it’s time
for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It’s
spell checked too.
Letter # 3
————-
Dear Mom, Don’t worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories
by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don’t
have much of a tan cause we don’t go outside very often. You can’t see
the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to
last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I’m OK, really.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 4
————-
Dear Mom, I’m fine. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating enough. This is
the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code.
It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you send more money?
I’ve got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk
to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 5
————-
Dear Mother, Forget the money for the telephone. We’ve got a way to not
pay. Sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been learning a lot. I’m real good
at getting onto any computer in the country. It’s really easy! I got
into the university’s in less than 15 minutes. Frederick did it in
five, he’s going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He’s
really smart. He says that I shouldn’t call myself Billy anymore. So,
I’m not.
Signed, William.
Letter # 6
————-
Dear Mother, How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why’d you get
so upset? I haven’t gained that much weight. The glasses aren’t real.
Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on
them is cool. I thought that you’d be proud of my program. After all,
I’ve made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000.
Anyway, I’ve paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won’t be home
until late August.
Regards, William.
Letter # 7
————-
Mother, Stop treating me like a child. True — physically I am only 10
years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again.
Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit
bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. OK?
I won’t write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this
interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.
What can I do, Mr. Johnson? See what I mean? It’s been two weeks since
I’ve heard from my little boy. I know that it’s probably too late to
save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save
JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do
so. Thank you very much.
Sally Gates, Concerned Parent

More I Love You copycat viruses on the
loose…

– The Unrequited Love virus causes your computer
to be so obsessed with a virus that it can never have, that it can
no longer function.

– The Love The One You’re With virus hangs around your computer.
But the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer
that it really wants to invade

– The One Night Stand virus invades your computer, turns its hard
drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back
sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.

– The I Want A Divorce virus sends repeated, hard-to-read
messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally
leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your
computer’s best data in an ugly network session.

Evolution — The Forever Single virus causes your computer to
focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a
janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude
test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the
manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage. $5.15
an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you
a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your
first day.
Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor
an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then,
that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly
expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having
only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes
at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the
tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process
several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before
going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could
quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every
day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen
boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he
can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By
the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up
trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed
people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy
some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he
picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end
of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail
address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is
stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you
managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and
e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had
been connected to the internet from the very start!”

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, “Why,
of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”

Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don’t have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a
millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you’re probably closer to =
becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to =
the cleaners by Microsoft.

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his
desire to become one of the world’s great writers.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff
that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react
to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream,
cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called
Tim, the computer guy, to come over to my office. Tim clicked a couple
buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service
call. As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: “An ID ten T
error? What’s that … in case I need to fix it again??”
Tim grinned…. “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
“No,” I replied.
“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”

#11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

#10. Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow
inferior.

#9. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think
it’s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

#8. Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it, a
phenomenon psychologists call E-mail Envy.

#7. It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any
real work done.

#6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information vital to the survival of the species. Some people
still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but
most folks today use it mostly for fun.

#5. If you don’t take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

#4. If you use it too much you’ll find it becomes more and more
difficult to think coherently.

#3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its
actual size and influence warrant.

#2. If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into
a lot of trouble.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE HAVING A PENIS:

#1. If you play with it too much, you can go blind.

A few “Tech” Terms to get your year started off right!

“486″
The typical IQ needed to understand any PC.

“State of the Art”
Any computer you can’t really afford and your wife does not want you to buy.
[NOTE: See Nanosecond, Obsolete, Syntax Error and GHZ]

“Obsolete”
The term describing any computer you have purchased.
[NOTE: See Nanosecond]

“Nanosecond”
The time it takes for your “State of the Art” computer to
become obsolete.

“G4″
Apple’s new line of Macintosh Computers that make you say “Gee, that’s four
times faster than the Macintosh computer I bought for over twice that price
a mere Nanosecond ago.” [NOTE: See Obsolete]

“Syntax Error”
Walking into any computer store and saying “Hello, I would like to
buy the fastest computer you have, and money is NO object!”

“Hard Drive”
The oft used sales tactic by commission based computer salesmen,
commonly seen immediately after someone has made a “Syntax Error.”

“GHZ - pronounced GIGA-Hurts”
The new physical / mental condition that occurs the “Nanosecond” after
you have bought the “State of the Art” computer. [Which of course happened
after making the afore mentioned "Syntax Error" and then listening to the
salesmen's "Hard Drive."]

The following were found scribbled into the stall wall at
Microsoft:

Bill Gates downloads here

Where do you want to go today?
In the crapper!

Microsoft Word Speelchecker RULES!

Do not flush mouse pads down the toilet!

To flush, press handle. You do not need to hold Control,
ALT and Delete at the same time.

The Basic Program
10: Enter
20: Lower Pants
30: Try real hard
40: If nothing, then goto 30
50: If something then goto 60
60: Wipe Butt
70: Exit

Stop writing these mindless jokes and childish insults
on the walls!
Yeah, that’s what the internet is for!

Why cant B*ll G*tes get dates?
Because he’s Microsoft

-Rajeev has a 3 1/2 inch floppy! - Carl
-Carl still plays with his wang! - Rajeev
-Yeah, well you both program in DOS - Fred
-Byte me! - Rajeev and Carl