Make sure everybody gets a copy of this so we can put a stop to this
one!!!!!

There is a new virus going around, called “work”. If you receive any
sort of “work” at all, whether via email, Internet or simply handed to
you by a colleague…DO NOT OPEN IT.

Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who
have been tempted to open “work” or even look at “work” have found that
their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function
properly.

If you do encounter “work” via email or are faced with any “work” at
all, to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words
“Sorry…I’m off to Home Depot.” The “work” should then be automatically
deleted from your brain.

If you receive “work” in paper-document form, simply lift the document
and drag the “work” to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to
the nearest cafe with two friends and order three double chocolate
espressos. After repeating this action 10 times, you will find that
“work” will no longer be of any relevance to you.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have
anyone in your address book, then I’m afraid the “work” virus has
already corrupted your life.

1) Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in a @#$%? box all
day!

2) Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who
is behind me.

3) Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of
gunfire.

4) That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will
get a piece of cheese.

5) Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

6) My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

7) 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

9) Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.

Some folks have it, some don’t. Those who have it would
be devastated if it were ever cut off.

They think that those who don’t have it are somehow
inferior. They think it gives them power.

They are wrong. Those who don’t have it may agree that
it’s a nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss
that those who do have it make about it. Still, many
of those who don’t have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but
it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information considered vital to the survival of the
species. Some people still think that’s the only thing
it should be used for, but most folks today use it for
fun most of the time.

Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop.
Some people would just play with it all day if they
didn’t have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some
people take this interaction very seriously, others
treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what
kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.

If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures,
it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead it uses yours. If
you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and
more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than
its actual size and influence warrant.

If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get
you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your
intentions, it will warp your behavior.

Later you may ask yourself, “Why on earth did I do that?”

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own
devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it
did before.

The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a
billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of
America used this line in an ad slogan “MS, it’s not a software
company”…exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw
attention to an altogether worthier cause.

Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly
silence by Microsoft, which doesn’t relish the association of ideas
but is painfully aware that it can’t afford to appear insensitive
over such an issue.

Seasoned information technology professionals will have no trouble
telling the two MSs apart. One is a debilitating and surprisingly
widespread affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to
perform the simplest task. The other is a disease.
— Emko Witteveen

***

Speaking of Microsoft, are having computer problems, such as losing
dates, the system crashing and so forth? Its not your fault, really.
Check out the hidden settings, recently discovered, that are part of
your system. Go to:
http://www.stangould.com/jokenet/hiddensettings.gif

A man is working on his home computer when his daughter sneaks up
behind him.

Then she turns and running into the kitchen, shouting, “I know Daddy’s
password! I know Daddy’s password!”

“What is it? her sisters asked.

She replied, “Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!”

This is deadly serious, so don’t ignore it. Several new viruses
have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the
national system. Beware of..

THE CLINTON Virus… (Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO
memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus… (Makes a new hard drive out
of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus… (Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then Emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus… (Saves your data, but forgets where it
is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus… (Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus… (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to
100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200MB)

THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus… (Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus… (Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus… (Totally screws up your RAM, but your
processor doesn’t care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus… (Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus (Terminates some files, leaves,
but will be back)

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus… (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5
inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female
(e.g., “Steady as she goes”, or “She’s listing to starboard,
Captain!”). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males)
announced that computers should also be referred to as being female.
Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative
as, “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not
going to tell you”.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think
that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their
reasons follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited
a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of
gender association in the English language. He stated that
hurricanes at one time were all given feminine names and that ships
and planes are usually referred to as “she.”

One of the students raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a
computer?”

Not having a ready answer, the teacher divided the class into
two groups, males in one and females in the other, and asked each
group to decide whether a computer should be considered masculine
or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their
recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be considered
masculine because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should
be considered feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was
$20,000.

9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes three
years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The
Net”

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among
turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr.
President.”

1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card
now, jerk.”

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut- you did with a pocket knife
Paste- you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!